new joke hahaha

[darkhorse_86]

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine
sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about
the boys and what their names were; she said 'Kelvin'.

'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?
'Kelvin', she said.

'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'

'Kelvin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball 'Kelvin', she
said.

'Are all your boys called Kelvin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly
complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually.
When I shout: Kelvin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say:
Kelvin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.

'I see'. But what if you want only one of them?

'No problem.' she answers.

'Then I call them by their surnames'.

[kelvinlym]

Yeah, I have a big family.

I'm the tall one with pimples and a third nipple.

[ElansarGelmir]

"Different Countries & Thier Romantic Meanings"


"H.O.L.L.A.N.D"
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.

"I.T.A.L.Y."
I Trust And Love You.

"L.I.B.Y.A."
Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

"F.R.A.N.C.E."
Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

"C.H.I.N.A."
Come Here.. I Need Affection.

"B.U.R.M.A."
Between Us, Remember Me Always.

"N.E.P.A.L."
Never Ever Part As Lovers.

"I.N.D.I.A."
I Nearly Died In Adoration.

"K.E.N.Y.A"
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

"C.A.N.A.D.A."
Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attraction

"K.O.R.E.A."
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity.

"E.G.Y.P.T."
Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!

"M.A.N.I.L.A."
May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

"P.E.R.U."
Phorget (Forget) Everyone... Remember Us.

"T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D."
Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull.

[ElansarGelmir]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists � two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

�We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.� The first man said.�You can�t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,�

The agent replies, �Then you�re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. �I tried, but I can�t kill my wife.� The agent replies, �You don�t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.�

Finally, it was the woman�s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, �You guys didn�t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.�

[ElansarGelmir]

Doing House-work

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both
worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's
work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about
it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Saving Up

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband.

Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop.

The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance.

"Honey, you're just a young thing," she remarked, "but you look like hell. What's up?"

"I've been double-crossed," the miserable bride moaned. "When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Getting Off Drugs

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

[ElansarGelmir]

Two math professors are in a restaurant. One argues that the average person
does not know any math beyond high school. The other argues that the
average person knows some more advanced math. Just then, the first one gets
up to use the rest room. The second professor calls over his waitress and
says, "When you bring our food, I'm going to ask you a mathematical
question. I want you to answer, 'One third x cubed.' Can you do that?"
The waitress says, "I don't know if I can remember that. One thurr...
um..."
"One third x cubed," says the prof.
"One thir dex cue?," asks the waitress.
"One"
"One"
"Third"
"Third"
"X"
"X"
"Cubed"
"Cubed"
"One third X cubed"
"One third X cubed"
The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back. They resume their
conversation until a few minutes later when the waitress brings their food.
The professor says to the waitress, "Say, do you mind if I ask you
something?"
"Not at all"
"Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?"
The waitress pauses, then says, "One third x cubed."
As she walks away, she stops, turns, and adds, "Plus a constant!"

[ElansarGelmir]

He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...repairmen refused to work in the house...the maid quit...finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the small was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and h is new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including the curtain rods.

[ElansarGelmir]

A blind man goes into a tavern, finds the bar, and sits down. When the bartender comes over and asks what he'd like to drink, he says, "I'd like to get a beer and tell blonde joke."

The bartender says, "Well, I'll give you a beer, no problem, but you should know that I weigh 250 pounds, and I'm a blonde. Also, my brother is sitting next to you. He's also about 250, and he's blonde too. My cousin is sitting at the table behind you, he weighs almost 300 pounds, and he's a blonde. Are you sure you want to tell the blonde joke?"

The blind guy thinks a minute, then says, "Well, I guess I'll have the beer, but I won't tell the blonde joke."

"Why not?" asks the bartender.

"Well," the blind guy says, "I don't want to have to explain it three times."

[ElansarGelmir]

A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

[ElansarGelmir]

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

[ElansarGelmir]

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

"Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[ElansarGelmir]

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. "Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?"

"Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass."

"Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of your doghouse?"

"Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

"THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!"

"Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?"

"Ruff!"

"What the hell are you tryin' to pull, mister?"

"Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?"

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

[ElansarGelmir]

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says,

"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

[ElansarGelmir]

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

[ElansarGelmir]

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

[ElansarGelmir]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.

[ElansarGelmir]

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

[ElansarGelmir]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

[ElansarGelmir]

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[ElansarGelmir]

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

[ElansarGelmir]

A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!"
In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

[ElansarGelmir]

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

[digimushu]

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr & Mrs Ng with their 3 lovely triplet daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.


The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper fashion and when they reached 20, their parents thought it was time to get them married.

So, the parents found them the most suitable " leng chais" ( handsome guys ).


They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.

As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them......" Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you were satisfied.

Write a letter to us, but so as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".


So, the excited daughters were off.


A week passed. Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.

They opened the letter and found the word "STANDARD CHARTERED". They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. "Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY" Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.


A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP". Again, Mr & Mrs Ng beamed with joy.


Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES".


Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs.Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.


Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair. The motto was... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP."

[digimushu]

Dear Software Solutions:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 deleted many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9 and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed Desperate





Dear Desperate:

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Sincerely,

Software Solutions

[yekban81]

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son:

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."


Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President : "Ah, in that case....."



This is how business is done!!

[ElansarGelmir]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is
looking for a box of tamponsfor his wife.She directs him down the
correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much cheaper.So, I
figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to anargument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain.God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid, so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee

each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."


Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

[yekban81]

Q: How far can you see on a clear day?
A: 93 Million miles...From here to the Sun.

Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb gives better colour.
2) None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?
A: The moon, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it.

How do you know that Saturn is married more than once? Because he has lots of rings.

How did the astronaut serve dinner in outer space? On flying saucers.

[PeiWen]

Answering Machine
-----------------------------
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

~~~~~

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

~~~~~

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

~~~~~

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

*****************************************************

Did you Hear?
---------------------

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

*****************************************************
Points to Ponder
---------------------------

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

*****************************************************
Strange!
-----------------
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"

*****************************************************

[PeiWen]

What did you father do?
----------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."

*****************************************************
The millionaire
--------------------

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"

*****************************************************
Good news...Bad news
-------------------------------

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

*****************************************************

[ElansarGelmir]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished
to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
center of the bed. It was addressed,

"Mom."

With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read
the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with John and he is so
nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and
his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will
be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He
wants to have many more children with me and that's
now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends
for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be
back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call
when it is safe for me to come home.