roy
10-08-2005, 08:53 AM
Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the
forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket
full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat...
she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.
One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked
at Little Red and says "Little Red Riding hood, what are you
doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf
catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your
titties."
Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her
basket and shows the fox her gun and says "No he won't, see I
have a gun to protect myself." She smiles and skips away from
the fox to her grandmother's house.
Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a
bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the
basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, "What are
you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone
in the forest he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle
your titties."
Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles,
"No he won't I have a big gun in my basket ...." She pulls out
the gun "See, nothing can harm me." Little Red smiles and skips
to grandmother's house.
Little red finally makes it to grandmother's house...and knocks
on the door...no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to
the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, "Little
Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle
your titties!"
The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out
her gun and yells, "No you're not! You are going to EAT ME,
JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!"
==============================================
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to
Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."
==============================================
Greg and Sam, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in
northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls
out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched
hand.
After the rancher leaves, Greg asks the bartender, "What was that all
about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf
problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.
Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property
and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even
lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious,
and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a
bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Greg and Sam look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to
go hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a
lone wolf in the distance. Greg takes aim with his rifle and shoots the
wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and
Greg gets busy with the pelt.
Suddenly, Sam says, "Hey, Greg, look."
"Not now," says Greg, "I'm busy."
Sam tugs on Greg's sleeve and says, "Greg, I think you *really* ought to
see this."
"Not now!" Greg says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars
in my hands?"
Sam's voice starts to waver. "Greg, please, just look!"
Greg stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by
a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling,
drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Greg takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my ... We're gonna
be rich!"
==============================================
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior "Well,
I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over
the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100
yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a
squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and
began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again. "Well, no."
says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down
out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly
away!"
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior. "No, not yet.
As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the
green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No,
because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed
and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
=============================================
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when
the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his
clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the
bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
==============================================
A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
solicitation.
The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming
not guilty when police had caught her in the act. The judge questioned
her, expressing her surprise.
"I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed.
"How can you claim you are celibate?"
"It is my business to be celibate.
I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there....."
==============================================
Three gay guys were talking about their perfect reincarnation.
The first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all
those handsome men shave in the mornings."
The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face in their dicks and asses."
The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, and replied, "I'd love to an ambulance. I would love to have three or four men stuck through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."
=============================================
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by drowning herself . She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded "yes". After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one
of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and
he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the
Mackinaw Island ferry."
==============================================
Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small
villages. After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride
showing them the sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of fig trees. After the tourists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those trees? I planted every one of those trees. I nurtured every one of those trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter? NOOOOO." The couple looked a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet. After about 15 minutes, they past a nice village on the bank of the river. The tourists comment on the beauty of the village. Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses? I built every one of those houses. With these two hands alone, I built those houses. But do they call me Zorba the house-builder? NOOOOOO." The couple again
looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage. They didn't want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes, they pass a small fleet of fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats. "You see all those boats? I built those boats. With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one has sunk. But do they call me Zorba the boat-builder? NOOOOOO!!" The tourists stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built. "Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife. The guide looks at them and says, "Oh, but you f*ck one donkey..."
==============================================
Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?" After thinking for a while the boy answers. "Silver" "Well, why?" "I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there" The boy then asks the other, "And you?"
"Gold, I could peel it off and by the BMW sitting over there" After a
few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?!?" The boy thought and thought and finaly, said very calmly, "Hair". Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR???? Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???" "Well", the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of hair and she ownes both of those cars!!!"
==============================================
A fellow who works as a pharmacist at a high traffic pharmacy tells
this one. He said technicians, who don't always know the purpose of the medicines they dispense, do most of the processing. One day last week, he says, there was a medicine making its way to the counter for a waiting customer. The tech didn't know the medicine's purpose was to help with erection problems. Seeing that the customer seemed to be growing impatient, the tech sought to placate him and reassured him, "Yours will be up in just a minute, sir...."
==============================================
forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket
full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat...
she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.
One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked
at Little Red and says "Little Red Riding hood, what are you
doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf
catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your
titties."
Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her
basket and shows the fox her gun and says "No he won't, see I
have a gun to protect myself." She smiles and skips away from
the fox to her grandmother's house.
Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a
bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the
basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, "What are
you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone
in the forest he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle
your titties."
Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles,
"No he won't I have a big gun in my basket ...." She pulls out
the gun "See, nothing can harm me." Little Red smiles and skips
to grandmother's house.
Little red finally makes it to grandmother's house...and knocks
on the door...no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to
the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, "Little
Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle
your titties!"
The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out
her gun and yells, "No you're not! You are going to EAT ME,
JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!"
==============================================
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to
Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."
==============================================
Greg and Sam, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in
northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls
out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched
hand.
After the rancher leaves, Greg asks the bartender, "What was that all
about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf
problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.
Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property
and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even
lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious,
and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a
bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Greg and Sam look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to
go hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a
lone wolf in the distance. Greg takes aim with his rifle and shoots the
wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and
Greg gets busy with the pelt.
Suddenly, Sam says, "Hey, Greg, look."
"Not now," says Greg, "I'm busy."
Sam tugs on Greg's sleeve and says, "Greg, I think you *really* ought to
see this."
"Not now!" Greg says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars
in my hands?"
Sam's voice starts to waver. "Greg, please, just look!"
Greg stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by
a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling,
drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Greg takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my ... We're gonna
be rich!"
==============================================
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior "Well,
I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over
the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100
yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a
squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and
began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again. "Well, no."
says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down
out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly
away!"
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior. "No, not yet.
As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the
green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No,
because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed
and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
=============================================
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when
the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his
clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the
bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
==============================================
A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
solicitation.
The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming
not guilty when police had caught her in the act. The judge questioned
her, expressing her surprise.
"I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed.
"How can you claim you are celibate?"
"It is my business to be celibate.
I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there....."
==============================================
Three gay guys were talking about their perfect reincarnation.
The first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all
those handsome men shave in the mornings."
The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face in their dicks and asses."
The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, and replied, "I'd love to an ambulance. I would love to have three or four men stuck through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."
=============================================
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by drowning herself . She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded "yes". After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one
of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and
he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the
Mackinaw Island ferry."
==============================================
Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small
villages. After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride
showing them the sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of fig trees. After the tourists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those trees? I planted every one of those trees. I nurtured every one of those trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter? NOOOOO." The couple looked a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet. After about 15 minutes, they past a nice village on the bank of the river. The tourists comment on the beauty of the village. Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses? I built every one of those houses. With these two hands alone, I built those houses. But do they call me Zorba the house-builder? NOOOOOO." The couple again
looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage. They didn't want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes, they pass a small fleet of fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats. "You see all those boats? I built those boats. With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one has sunk. But do they call me Zorba the boat-builder? NOOOOOO!!" The tourists stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built. "Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife. The guide looks at them and says, "Oh, but you f*ck one donkey..."
==============================================
Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?" After thinking for a while the boy answers. "Silver" "Well, why?" "I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there" The boy then asks the other, "And you?"
"Gold, I could peel it off and by the BMW sitting over there" After a
few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?!?" The boy thought and thought and finaly, said very calmly, "Hair". Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR???? Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???" "Well", the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of hair and she ownes both of those cars!!!"
==============================================
A fellow who works as a pharmacist at a high traffic pharmacy tells
this one. He said technicians, who don't always know the purpose of the medicines they dispense, do most of the processing. One day last week, he says, there was a medicine making its way to the counter for a waiting customer. The tech didn't know the medicine's purpose was to help with erection problems. Seeing that the customer seemed to be growing impatient, the tech sought to placate him and reassured him, "Yours will be up in just a minute, sir...."
==============================================