roy
15-08-2005, 08:50 AM
Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.
Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself.
"Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the
accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you
believe, man?"
"Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking for what?"
Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: "Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"
=============================================
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we
hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
=============================================
A campus biggie went out for the first time with a vivacious little
baton-twirling champion of the college marching band, and he ended up in hospital. "What happened, Bob?" inquired his visiting roommate.
Let's call it a case of overreation," groaned the patient. "After the
dance and a hamburger, we drove over and parked in Memorial Grove. Matters proceeded nicely, and she began to give me a tantalising slow hand job - but then some jerk in the car alongside began to whistle the school fight song!"
==============================================
An evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the rafters of the mission. "Listen to me, all you cigarette suckers," he thundered, "all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers -"
Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row, "Don't forget us!"
===============================================
Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly
damaged foot. The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened?" he asked.
"Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr Thompson," Fergo began.
"But about your foot?" the doc said.
"This is abut my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful
daughter. The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.
The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was
comfortable.
The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently.
"It was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant,"
Fergo said. "I was so annoyed with myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle.
==============================================
A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off.
Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he
emerged from the shower.
He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the
door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and
down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
==============================================
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife
and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got
into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
===============================================
A man went to see an old friend of his who was an executive with a large corporation. Pulling out all the stops, the visitor said, "I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to kill myself. I haven't got money to feed my kids. My wife needs an operation and I haven't a penny for it. The house is going into foreclosure. The..."
His friend the executive said, "Stop! I can't take this!" Pushing his
intercom button he said to his secretary, "Jane, throw this man out.
He's breaking my heart."
==============================================
I remember this time that I took Lewis to a celebratory dinner at a
really posh restaurant. We walked in, were ushered to a table by a
formally dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were
displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Lewis unfolded it, put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back.
Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will
you have a shave or a haircut?"
===============================================
Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself.
"Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the
accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you
believe, man?"
"Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking for what?"
Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: "Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"
=============================================
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we
hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
=============================================
A campus biggie went out for the first time with a vivacious little
baton-twirling champion of the college marching band, and he ended up in hospital. "What happened, Bob?" inquired his visiting roommate.
Let's call it a case of overreation," groaned the patient. "After the
dance and a hamburger, we drove over and parked in Memorial Grove. Matters proceeded nicely, and she began to give me a tantalising slow hand job - but then some jerk in the car alongside began to whistle the school fight song!"
==============================================
An evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the rafters of the mission. "Listen to me, all you cigarette suckers," he thundered, "all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers -"
Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row, "Don't forget us!"
===============================================
Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly
damaged foot. The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened?" he asked.
"Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr Thompson," Fergo began.
"But about your foot?" the doc said.
"This is abut my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful
daughter. The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.
The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was
comfortable.
The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently.
"It was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant,"
Fergo said. "I was so annoyed with myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle.
==============================================
A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off.
Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he
emerged from the shower.
He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the
door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and
down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
==============================================
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife
and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got
into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
===============================================
A man went to see an old friend of his who was an executive with a large corporation. Pulling out all the stops, the visitor said, "I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to kill myself. I haven't got money to feed my kids. My wife needs an operation and I haven't a penny for it. The house is going into foreclosure. The..."
His friend the executive said, "Stop! I can't take this!" Pushing his
intercom button he said to his secretary, "Jane, throw this man out.
He's breaking my heart."
==============================================
I remember this time that I took Lewis to a celebratory dinner at a
really posh restaurant. We walked in, were ushered to a table by a
formally dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were
displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Lewis unfolded it, put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back.
Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will
you have a shave or a haircut?"
===============================================