roy
05-09-2005, 08:55 AM
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
=============================================
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes!
(You MUST read them out loud)
1) That's not right ..................................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP......................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ........................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse .......................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........................ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ..................... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ........................ Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ................................. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .................... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone .......................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week .. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight .................................. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..................... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .................... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .............................. ............................ Fa Kin Su Pah
==============================================
Ficklestein, the owner of a successful optical shop was
instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and
he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see
if he winces."
"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The
lenses will be another $10.'"
"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"
===============================================
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint
in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the
trunk!"
The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car
is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back
down the hill."
So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides
into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake
pedal.
"Now, go and open the trunk!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request
and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any
contraband in there?"
===============================================
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed
with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher
says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of
the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever
heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use
curse words in the Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I
placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
===============================================
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now,
boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
===============================================
A Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw
a message written in piss on the heavy snow from the night
before: "A happy birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your
loyal servant."
The Czar called Ivan and said, "It was nice of you to remember
my birthday, but how the heck did you did it? You are
illiterate."
The servant responded, "Oh, it was simple. I was pissing in
snow and your wife was holding my dick!"
==============================================
Clean Laffs Joe knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze
at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at him, and said, "Joe, I
have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
==============================================
A Young couple get married and go on their honeymoon. The groom
spends an hour of hteir honeymoon night intorducing his new
bride to the joys of cunnilingus.
The next afternoon they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly,
the groom starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter!
Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yes," he yells, "there's a hair in my spaghetti!"
The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the
spaghetti away.
The bride looks over at her husband whispers, "What a hypocrite
you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of
hair."
"That may be, but how long do you think I'd have stayed if I
found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
===============================================
If a movie is "R-rated," it means that if you?re under
seventeen, you have to see it with an adult:
"What?s he doing, Dad?"
"He?s fucking her, Son."
---George Carlin
===============================================
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The
teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a
fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The
teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy
says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared,
leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not
exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream
cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the
third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the
women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally
replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with
the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
===============================================
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy
old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how
she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about
seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and
passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all
the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
===============================================
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing It's the only type of
cooking a "real" man will do:
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain
of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a
tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to
the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the
vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.
===============================================
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the
other. "I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't
see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five
years ago."
===============================================
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?'
===============================================
An Irishman went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe
and blisters all over his feet.
The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"
Paddy replied, "I was opening a Christmas pudding, and on the
packet it said: 'pierce ere and stand in boiling water'."
===============================================
John and Ed walked into a bar. Ed: "What do you want to drink,
Jackass?"
John: "A..A...A pa...pa..pi..pint o..of gi...gi..gi Guinness
A..a pint of Guinness, please."
Ed goes up to the bar. "Two pints of Guinness for me and my mate
Jackass."
Ed takes the drinks back. "Here you go, Jackass." Later when
they had finished their drinks, Ed says to John, "It's your
round, Jackass. Go get us a pint o' Guinness."
John goes to the bar. "T..T...T..two pa..pa...pa..pi..pints
o..o..of gi.. gin..gi..Guinness. Two pints of Guinness, please."
When the barman was sure Ed wasn't listening he said, "I think
it's awful him calling you Jackass all the time."
John says, "Oh, he..aw he..aw he..aw he always calls me that."
===============================================
Jill, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer
programmer sitting next to her.
"Where are you going?" asks Jill.
"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."
Later, Jill's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the
flight?" he asks.
"Oh, fine," says Jill. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry
for."
"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"
"He didn't have any testicles."
"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?"
"Because," says Jill, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."
==============================================
A teacher called Mrs. Prussy, arrived at school on her first day. She
met with the school's principal, who greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Pussy."
Mrs Prussy sighed. "It's not Pussy, it's Prussy. Oh God, I hope all the students don't start calling me Mrs. Pussy."
The principal saw how upset Mrs. Prussy was about the mix up with her name, and was determined not to make the mistake again. He led Mrs. Prussy down to her classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!"
Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning students. This is Mrs. Crunt."
===============================================
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
=============================================
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes!
(You MUST read them out loud)
1) That's not right ..................................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP......................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ........................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse .......................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........................ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ..................... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ........................ Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ................................. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .................... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone .......................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week .. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight .................................. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..................... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .................... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .............................. ............................ Fa Kin Su Pah
==============================================
Ficklestein, the owner of a successful optical shop was
instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and
he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see
if he winces."
"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The
lenses will be another $10.'"
"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"
===============================================
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint
in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the
trunk!"
The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car
is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back
down the hill."
So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides
into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake
pedal.
"Now, go and open the trunk!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request
and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any
contraband in there?"
===============================================
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed
with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher
says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of
the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever
heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use
curse words in the Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I
placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
===============================================
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now,
boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
===============================================
A Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw
a message written in piss on the heavy snow from the night
before: "A happy birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your
loyal servant."
The Czar called Ivan and said, "It was nice of you to remember
my birthday, but how the heck did you did it? You are
illiterate."
The servant responded, "Oh, it was simple. I was pissing in
snow and your wife was holding my dick!"
==============================================
Clean Laffs Joe knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze
at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at him, and said, "Joe, I
have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
==============================================
A Young couple get married and go on their honeymoon. The groom
spends an hour of hteir honeymoon night intorducing his new
bride to the joys of cunnilingus.
The next afternoon they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly,
the groom starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter!
Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yes," he yells, "there's a hair in my spaghetti!"
The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the
spaghetti away.
The bride looks over at her husband whispers, "What a hypocrite
you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of
hair."
"That may be, but how long do you think I'd have stayed if I
found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
===============================================
If a movie is "R-rated," it means that if you?re under
seventeen, you have to see it with an adult:
"What?s he doing, Dad?"
"He?s fucking her, Son."
---George Carlin
===============================================
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The
teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a
fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The
teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy
says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared,
leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not
exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream
cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the
third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the
women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally
replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with
the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
===============================================
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy
old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how
she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about
seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and
passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all
the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
===============================================
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing It's the only type of
cooking a "real" man will do:
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain
of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a
tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to
the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the
vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.
===============================================
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the
other. "I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't
see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five
years ago."
===============================================
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?'
===============================================
An Irishman went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe
and blisters all over his feet.
The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"
Paddy replied, "I was opening a Christmas pudding, and on the
packet it said: 'pierce ere and stand in boiling water'."
===============================================
John and Ed walked into a bar. Ed: "What do you want to drink,
Jackass?"
John: "A..A...A pa...pa..pi..pint o..of gi...gi..gi Guinness
A..a pint of Guinness, please."
Ed goes up to the bar. "Two pints of Guinness for me and my mate
Jackass."
Ed takes the drinks back. "Here you go, Jackass." Later when
they had finished their drinks, Ed says to John, "It's your
round, Jackass. Go get us a pint o' Guinness."
John goes to the bar. "T..T...T..two pa..pa...pa..pi..pints
o..o..of gi.. gin..gi..Guinness. Two pints of Guinness, please."
When the barman was sure Ed wasn't listening he said, "I think
it's awful him calling you Jackass all the time."
John says, "Oh, he..aw he..aw he..aw he always calls me that."
===============================================
Jill, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer
programmer sitting next to her.
"Where are you going?" asks Jill.
"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."
Later, Jill's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the
flight?" he asks.
"Oh, fine," says Jill. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry
for."
"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"
"He didn't have any testicles."
"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?"
"Because," says Jill, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."
==============================================
A teacher called Mrs. Prussy, arrived at school on her first day. She
met with the school's principal, who greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Pussy."
Mrs Prussy sighed. "It's not Pussy, it's Prussy. Oh God, I hope all the students don't start calling me Mrs. Pussy."
The principal saw how upset Mrs. Prussy was about the mix up with her name, and was determined not to make the mistake again. He led Mrs. Prussy down to her classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!"
Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning students. This is Mrs. Crunt."
===============================================