Fancy_Futon's Essays : Rate them.

[fancy_futons]

hi guys, i'm new here. Just found out this site and it's really great! I've been googling around for free essay rating, but couldn't find a free one. So I bumped into this forum, and after reading several threads, I know this forum is awesome with its great outstanding community. okay, enough for the brief introduction

hopefully tis the right thread to post this.

ok, I need you guys helps on improving my essays writing. Please rate them from A1-9G (GCE style), 1-9 (IELTS style) and 1-12 (SAT style).

I'm planning to write essays and keep practicing to write and hopefully improve my overall performance. I know my level is no where around you guys, (I really bad in english..)

So, hope you guys could rate them and also add some constructive comments, or any necessary flames to encourage me to write more. (And yes, do condemn my grammar mistakes, since by you making it big, will make me to be more alert!) Please don't generalize your comments and please be specific on which areas I need to improve badly. And do suggest your strategies on writing essays (especially those "intelligent" people out there~) Thanks in advance.

i'll be adding my essay from time to time.

[fancy_futons]

Essay 1 : Education

In education, too much emphasis is placed on testing. The need to prepare for tests and examinations is a restriction on teachers and also exerts unnecessary pressure on young learners.

Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.


For centuries, testing system has been the main method in measuring the student?s understanding in particular subjects. For example, during the old age of China, the government at that time, had implemented special tests in choosing candidates to be high officers.

As a result, in today?s education, emphasis has been placed on testing the student to assess the students. However, it has been pointed out that today?s education policy has put too much importance on this method of evaluating.

There are several drawbacks on having the tests frequently. One of them, is the test would put a big pressure on the students. They have to study hard every time and most likely have less time for any entertainment. As a result, they will have limited choices of releasing their tensions and might as well result into other problems.

Surprisely, regular testing will not only burdening the students, but also the teachers. They will have to spend their time preparing the appropriate tests for their students as well as new syllabus for the next teaching classes.

Hours of incessant tests could also be a waste of time. This time could be spent for short breaks of long study or finishing the syllabus of subjects. This would indeed solve the common unfinished syllabus problem when examination is nearing.

Board of teachers could use alternative ways in reviewing the student?s understanding instead of testing them. For instance, they could use Problem Based Learning or PBL as one of the methods of gauging the student?s ability. PBL makes use of the current available resources like internet, teachers, books as well as their friends too. They could discuss with each other and thus, facing less pressures. Teachers in the other hand, will have the benefits of evaluating their students as a whole without spending much of time marking and preparing the tests.

In conclusion, tests are still the most preferred system in assessing the students especially the history has proven to us the effectiveness of testing method in everyday life. However, the responsible parties should take into account the drawbacks caused by the excessive emphasis on this system. Other methods should be considered to substitute the frequent testing such as PBL, assignments, projects and others.

[kelvinlym]

There are several drawbacks on having the tests frequently. One of them, is the test would put a big pressure on the students. They have to study hard every time and most likely have less time for any entertainment. As a result, they will have limited choices of releasing their tensions and might as well result into other problems.

I think there is no such thing as "releasing tension" in English. It is used as a slang.

Use "release their stress" instead.

Surprisely, regular testing will not only burdening the students, but also the teachers. They will have to spend their time preparing the appropriate tests for their students as well as new syllabus for the next teaching classes.

"burden" not "burdening".



Board of teachers could use alternative ways in reviewing the student?s understanding instead of testing them. For instance, they could use Problem Based Learning or PBL as one of the methods of gauging the student?s ability. PBL makes use of the current available resources like internet, teachers, books as well as their friends too. They could discuss with each other and thus, facing less pressures. Teachers in the other hand, will have the benefits of evaluating their students as a whole without spending much of time marking and preparing the tests.

I think you should add "of the subject at hand" after the word "understanding" because it seems like it's hanging.

I think "pressure" should be used in the singular case.

"On the other hand" not "in".

In conclusion, tests are still the most preferred system in assessing the students especially the history has proven to us the effectiveness of testing method in everyday life. However, the responsible parties should take into account the drawbacks caused by the excessive emphasis on this system. Other methods should be considered to substitute the frequent testing such as PBL, assignments, projects and others.

The first sentence should preferably be "In conclusion, tests are still the most preferred system of assessing the student's ability especially since history has proven to us the effectiveness of this method in everyday life."

You should be assessing one's ability and not the person.

In conclusion, pretty well written. I was just correcting the grammar and not the content and I was just skimming through.

There are a few more mistakes with the articles.

I think I missed a few but I'll let the others catch it. I gotta run off now.

I'm not sure how the marking scheme works, but I would give a high B.

[youngyew]

Surprisely, regular testing will not only burdening the students, but also the teachers. They will have to spend their time preparing the appropriate tests for their students as well as new syllabus for the next teaching classes.
Surprisingly instead of surprisely.

I would say it's pretty okay, except for a few grammatical mistakes.

[fancy_futons]

great! :D kudos to kelvinlym and youngyew~ appreciate you guys for lending me your precious time reading my essay.~ thanks

@<hidden> :

alright, I'll keep them in mind.

@<hidden> : do thank you.

And keep the comments coming! I've done badly in grammar section. Duh~ How about the contents in general? Any other ideas to be explored regarding the subject?
:D

I think I'll change the rules. No need to specific, or else you guys will be wasting time for just quoting the whole paragraph. You guys can mention the number of essay (in this case, it's still no 1) and mention the number of paragraph you are commenting. It's just a suggestion, so if you think the old rules are not burdening, then go ahead.

thanks in advance again.~

[qedx]

Use "release their stress" instead.
wouldn't "to relieve stress" be better?

[fancy_futons]

wouldn't "to relieve stress" be better?

I shall leave that to kelvinlym to answer.
IMO, relieving the stress sounds much more suitable. Thank you for joining qedx. :D

[fancy_futons]

Essay 2 : Tourism

Most of the world's poor live in countries where tourism is a growing industry. The issue is that tourism does not benefit the poorest.

How can the income generated by tourists benefit the poor?

How can we ensure that tourism does not destroy traditional cultures and ways of life?

Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.



Tourism undoubtedly has been one of the main economy growth generators for many countries all around the world. For example, Thailand, more than half of the national revenue accumulated came from tourism business. Indonesia, known with its corrupted society, lives at the edge of fall and still survives partly due to its tourism industries in its archipelagoes.

However, issue rises on how can the income generated by these tourists could benefit the poor communities. Several solutions have been designed so that the entr?e of these tourists into the country do aid the current conditions of the poor living nearby. For example, the young generations who live near the beaches, could land more comfortable jobs if there are resorts to be opened nearby to accommodate the abundant tourists. This will indeed unlock a large opportunity for the community to improve their archaic lifestyle and to take their steps into the modern world.

Additionally, it is much self-explanatory if the economy of the country is improved significantly, the lifestyle of its citizen will be considerably advanced. Hence, the life of the poor will no longer be the same and they will have chances to live a moderate lifestyle.. In Malaysia alone, millions have been allocated in improving the poor society. Where does the source come from? There is no doubt tourism does contribute a relatively large portion of it.

Other than benefiting the poor, contrary to popular beliefs, the tourism does not endanger any traditional cultures or any ways of life. Instead, these elements have been the main charms for attracting the foreigners to visit the country. For example, in Malaysia, many traditional cultures have been capitalized and developed into primary tourist attractions. Batik, traditional dances, foods, historic monuments and others do draw a lot of tourists from all around the world.

Same goes to the ways of life. This is indeed an important component in adding the values of tourism industry. Foreigners come, not to see the same lifestyle they have been practicing, but a unique way of life that they could only witness from words and pictures before in their home countries.

Nevertheless, there are several steps that worth taken to ensure that tourism does not destroy traditional cultures and ways of life. For instance, lack of security will allow terrorists disguised as tourists to enter the country and inflict havocs. Such accidents will deteriorate the social and economic conditions of a country and thus might threaten the cultural and natural heritages with destructions. In this case, the authority should take security measures or probe further into the national security policy to enhance the safety of the whole country.

Other than that, in many places, a lot of precious heritages are under threat of new developments carried out by the locals themselves. This scene clearly suggests that lack of awareness of historical and architectural significance of these cultural heritages still exists among these locals. Government should interfere and perhaps persuade them to conserve such cultural legacy and turn it into major tourist?s attraction. In one shot, not only the traditional cultures will be preserved but also will boost the tourism industry as well as amplifying the economy growth.

To wrap it off, the tourism should be developed without doubts although there are false claims on how the industry does not benefit the poor. And neither this activity will harm the traditional cultures or local?s ways of life. Instead, tourism could be considered as the main generator for most of the country?s economic growths around the globe.

(p/s: I seriously think I lack substance in my essays...Anyone?)

[kelvinlym]

I agree with qedx.

Relieve stress is better. ^_^>

Thanks.

[panthera_leo]

I'm sorry that I can't give you a more indepth review of your essay... I'm using a public computer with a strange temper and it just told me a few strange things about certain pages and threads being profane so I'm trying not to provoke it. *sheepish grin*

Anyway, that aside from what I've read you essays certainly don't lack substance. You have points. You may want to quote studies or statistics to further support your arguments though. I don't think it's substance you lack but to me, you seem rather short on elaboration. Plus, try to vary your examples. Don't constrain yourself to Malaysia and Asian examples.

Another matter is your tone. Sometimes, it sounds a bit too informal. I'm not saying you should adopt a totally formal tone but try not to sound like you're telling this to a good friend of yours at certaind points. Imagine, instead, that you're explaining this to your lecturer/teacher. What I mean is when you say things like " to wrap it up". It would be great in a speach, but it doesn't really go in an essay.

I'm sorry, it's not muc but I hope this helps... =^^=