{Jokes} -- Just for Laugh..HAHAHA

[PeiWen]

:lol:

Do not disturb!
---------------------------------

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so
they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and
figure out what was wrong.

As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by
the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man
was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to
try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative
voice, he said, "This is Jesus ... Your prayers will be
answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on
saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't
hear him, and tried again...
"This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be
answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big
breath of air, the man decided to try again...
"THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD!
YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP!!!
I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"


Smart Astrologer
---------------------------------

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his
favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the
woman died a short time later. The king was outraged
at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had
brought about the woman's death. He summoned the
astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when will YOU die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning
to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.

"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally.
"I only know that whenever I die, the king will die
three days later..."

[PeiWen]

:lol:

Do not disturb!
---------------------------------

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so
they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and
figure out what was wrong.

As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by
the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man
was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to
try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative
voice, he said, "This is Jesus ... Your prayers will be
answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on
saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't
hear him, and tried again...
"This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be
answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big
breath of air, the man decided to try again...
"THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD!
YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP!!!
I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"


Smart Astrologer
---------------------------------

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his
favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the
woman died a short time later. The king was outraged
at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had
brought about the woman's death. He summoned the
astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when will YOU die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning
to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.

"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally.
"I only know that whenever I die, the king will die
three days later..."

[wawa]

The second one was very intelligent :D

[wawa]

The second one was very intelligent :D

[kennytang]

huh...... nice jokes
i love it

[kennytang]

huh...... nice jokes
i love it

[PeiWen]

Enjoy people...hehe :P


A Frog's Luck...
---------------------------------

A frog goes to have his fortune told. The swami looks
at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're about
to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to
know everything about you."

The frog says, "Thanks! I'm going to run right back to
the pond so I won't miss her."

The swami says, "You won't meet her at the pond.
You're going to meet her in her freshman biology class."

Way too late!
---------------------------------

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of
the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front
of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one
traffic light, the stares of the people in the car
beside me became obvious, and I looked across and
explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window.
"I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think
it's *too* late!"

2 Short Blonde jokes!
---------------------------------

One day a neighbor of the blonde's go over to her house
and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened
and the blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down
a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went
back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying again. The blonde replied,
"I just got off of the phone with my sister;
her mother died too!"

###

A blonde walked into a library and said,
"Can I have a burger and fries?"

The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library..."

So the blonde *whispered*, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

[PeiWen]

Enjoy people...hehe :P


A Frog's Luck...
---------------------------------

A frog goes to have his fortune told. The swami looks
at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're about
to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to
know everything about you."

The frog says, "Thanks! I'm going to run right back to
the pond so I won't miss her."

The swami says, "You won't meet her at the pond.
You're going to meet her in her freshman biology class."

Way too late!
---------------------------------

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of
the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front
of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one
traffic light, the stares of the people in the car
beside me became obvious, and I looked across and
explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window.
"I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think
it's *too* late!"

2 Short Blonde jokes!
---------------------------------

One day a neighbor of the blonde's go over to her house
and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened
and the blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down
a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went
back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying again. The blonde replied,
"I just got off of the phone with my sister;
her mother died too!"

###

A blonde walked into a library and said,
"Can I have a burger and fries?"

The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library..."

So the blonde *whispered*, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

[DecentMerson]

I just dunno why but i like blonde jokes....

here's one...

The Television
==========
One day, a blonde walked into a shop and point at the item on sale, and said to the shopkeeper.
"I want to buy this television!"
The shopkeeper refuse to sell it to her.

She went home and dyed her hair into brunette and then went back to the shop again.
"I want to buy this television!"
The shopkeeper refuse to sell it to her, again.

Then, she went home and dyed her hair into black and then went back to the shop yet again.
"I really really want to buy this television!"
"Sorry, blonde, I'm not selling!!!!!!"

"How do you know that I'm a blonde?" she asked.
This is a microwave oven, Not a television!!!!!
:roll:

[DecentMerson]

I just dunno why but i like blonde jokes....

here's one...

The Television
==========
One day, a blonde walked into a shop and point at the item on sale, and said to the shopkeeper.
"I want to buy this television!"
The shopkeeper refuse to sell it to her.

She went home and dyed her hair into brunette and then went back to the shop again.
"I want to buy this television!"
The shopkeeper refuse to sell it to her, again.

Then, she went home and dyed her hair into black and then went back to the shop yet again.
"I really really want to buy this television!"
"Sorry, blonde, I'm not selling!!!!!!"

"How do you know that I'm a blonde?" she asked.
This is a microwave oven, Not a television!!!!!
:roll:

[PeiWen]

Here's another funny story........ :lol:

A Fairy told a married couple: > >
> > > >
> >For being such an exemplary married couple for 25 > >
> >years, I will > >
> >give you each a wish" > >
> > > >
> >"I want to travel around the world with my dearest > >
> >husband"......said the wife. > >
> > > >
> >The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two > >
> >tickets > >
> >appeared in her hands. > >
> > > >
> >Now it was the husbands turn. > >
> > > >
> >He thought for a moment and said: "Well......this > >
> >moment is > >
> >very romantic, but an opportunity like this only > >
> >occurs once in a > >
> >lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish > >
> >is......to have > >
> >a wife 30 years younger than me" > >
> > > >
> >The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a > >
> >wish. > >
> > > >
> >The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick > >
> >and.......abracadabra!............ > >
> > > >
> >Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. > >
> > > >
> >Men might be bastards, > >
> > > >
> >But Fairies are...............................Female > > > > > >

[PeiWen]

Here's another funny story........ :lol:

A Fairy told a married couple: > >
> > > >
> >For being such an exemplary married couple for 25 > >
> >years, I will > >
> >give you each a wish" > >
> > > >
> >"I want to travel around the world with my dearest > >
> >husband"......said the wife. > >
> > > >
> >The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two > >
> >tickets > >
> >appeared in her hands. > >
> > > >
> >Now it was the husbands turn. > >
> > > >
> >He thought for a moment and said: "Well......this > >
> >moment is > >
> >very romantic, but an opportunity like this only > >
> >occurs once in a > >
> >lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish > >
> >is......to have > >
> >a wife 30 years younger than me" > >
> > > >
> >The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a > >
> >wish. > >
> > > >
> >The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick > >
> >and.......abracadabra!............ > >
> > > >
> >Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. > >
> > > >
> >Men might be bastards, > >
> > > >
> >But Fairies are...............................Female > > > > > >

[topdog]

http://www.spicypictures.com/pictures/lost_cocaine.jpg

you can't make this stuff up if you tried.[/img]

[topdog]

http://www.spicypictures.com/pictures/lost_cocaine.jpg

you can't make this stuff up if you tried.[/img]

[mercsinc]

lol, who would be dumb enough to call up the cops and ask for the pack of cocaine in the "police lost and found"? the cops are really pushing their luck there... :P

[mercsinc]

lol, who would be dumb enough to call up the cops and ask for the pack of cocaine in the "police lost and found"? the cops are really pushing their luck there... :P

[topdog]

Got this from an online forum...

Yesterday, University of Michigan scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Gained weight.
2. Talked excessively without making sense.
3. Became overly emotional.
4. Couldn't drive.
5. Failed to think rationally.
6. Argued over nothing.
7. Had to sit down while urinating.
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[topdog]

Got this from an online forum...

Yesterday, University of Michigan scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Gained weight.
2. Talked excessively without making sense.
3. Became overly emotional.
4. Couldn't drive.
5. Failed to think rationally.
6. Argued over nothing.
7. Had to sit down while urinating.
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[Diesel]

http://www.ocnsignal.com/martha-ha.htm

[Diesel]

http://www.ocnsignal.com/martha-ha.htm

[laplace]

Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty-two-
year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think
about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let
me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He
never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry
and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So
he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a
beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his
umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone
else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

[laplace]

Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty-two-
year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think
about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let
me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He
never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry
and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So
he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a
beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his
umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone
else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

[laplace]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went
over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot,
stomped the spiders flat and said,

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon but we're not
having any of that shit in Texas!"

[laplace]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went
over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot,
stomped the spiders flat and said,

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon but we're not
having any of that shit in Texas!"

[laplace]

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to
get in. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the
thoroughly sozzled man.

"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an' if you'll jesh open the
door f'me, I'll prove it to you."

"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee
that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."

The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the
stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first
door they came to.

"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash
my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And
shee that guy lying next to her?"

"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.

"Thash me!"

[laplace]

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to
get in. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the
thoroughly sozzled man.

"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an' if you'll jesh open the
door f'me, I'll prove it to you."

"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee
that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."

The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the
stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first
door they came to.

"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash
my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And
shee that guy lying next to her?"

"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.

"Thash me!"

[laplace]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a packet of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married,"
the pharmacist says.

"Well, I am," replies the patron.

"You'll have to prove it," says the pharmacist.

So the man rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate,
shows it to the pharmacist and finally gets his condoms.

A few days later, the same guy goes back to the same pharmacist
to get some flea powder for his dog.

"Got a dog license?" the pharmacist asks.

The man reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog
license and is finally handed his flea powder.

The next day he's back in the shop and hands the pharmacist
a screw-top-jar.

"Here, smell this," he tells the man behind the counter.

The pharmacist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.

"Shit!" cries the pharmacist, wrinkling his nose.

"Correct," says the man. "Now two rolls of toilet paper,
thanks."

[laplace]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a packet of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married,"
the pharmacist says.

"Well, I am," replies the patron.

"You'll have to prove it," says the pharmacist.

So the man rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate,
shows it to the pharmacist and finally gets his condoms.

A few days later, the same guy goes back to the same pharmacist
to get some flea powder for his dog.

"Got a dog license?" the pharmacist asks.

The man reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog
license and is finally handed his flea powder.

The next day he's back in the shop and hands the pharmacist
a screw-top-jar.

"Here, smell this," he tells the man behind the counter.

The pharmacist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.

"Shit!" cries the pharmacist, wrinkling his nose.

"Correct," says the man. "Now two rolls of toilet paper,
thanks."

[laplace]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull
the trigger!"

[laplace]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull
the trigger!"

[laplace]

In a restaurant one day, a pirate was talking to the waiter.
The waiter asked him, "Why do you have a peg leg?"

The pirate answered, "Back when I was sailing the seas, a big
shark noticed me swimming one day and bit off me leg."

"Well, then how did you get the hook?" the waiter asked,
pointing to the place where the pirate's left hand used to be.

The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and myself were engaged
in a rough battle one day and me hand was cut off by a slimy
coward's sword."

The waiter looked at the hook for a moment. "Well now I have
to ask how you got the eye patch."

The pirate snarled, "I looked at a gull flying overhead in the
harbor one day and it took a dump right in me eye."

The waiter was puzzled by this last explanation. "How would
that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "Well, first day with me hook."

[laplace]

In a restaurant one day, a pirate was talking to the waiter.
The waiter asked him, "Why do you have a peg leg?"

The pirate answered, "Back when I was sailing the seas, a big
shark noticed me swimming one day and bit off me leg."

"Well, then how did you get the hook?" the waiter asked,
pointing to the place where the pirate's left hand used to be.

The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and myself were engaged
in a rough battle one day and me hand was cut off by a slimy
coward's sword."

The waiter looked at the hook for a moment. "Well now I have
to ask how you got the eye patch."

The pirate snarled, "I looked at a gull flying overhead in the
harbor one day and it took a dump right in me eye."

The waiter was puzzled by this last explanation. "How would
that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "Well, first day with me hook."

[laplace]

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic
was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over
at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the
sheriff's office and said,

"You've got to do something about all of these people driving
so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that
said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up
a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called
and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for
me to put up my own damned sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order
to have him stop calling.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmer's last call, the sheriff decided
to call him.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your
sign?"

"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've got to go. I'm very busy."

And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff though to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's
house and look at that sign. There might be something there
that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the
sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large
yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[laplace]

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic
was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over
at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the
sheriff's office and said,

"You've got to do something about all of these people driving
so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that
said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up
a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called
and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for
me to put up my own damned sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order
to have him stop calling.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmer's last call, the sheriff decided
to call him.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your
sign?"

"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've got to go. I'm very busy."

And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff though to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's
house and look at that sign. There might be something there
that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the
sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large
yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[laplace]

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many
many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things
been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any
more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d
m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k..
s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about
how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o
t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks
the first friend.

" W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o
s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s.!!!"

[laplace]

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many
many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things
been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any
more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d
m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k..
s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about
how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o
t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks
the first friend.

" W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o
s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s.!!!"

[laplace]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive
tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading,
writing, math, and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white
child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief
pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only
white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white
child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have
here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world
call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the
sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on
occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.
You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say
anything more about the baby".

[laplace]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive
tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading,
writing, math, and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white
child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief
pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only
white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white
child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have
here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world
call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the
sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on
occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.
You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say
anything more about the baby".

[laplace]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his
wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to
the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some
aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,"
said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"

[laplace]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his
wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to
the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some
aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,"
said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"

[littlebigone]

From Cradle to Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

[littlebigone]

From Cradle to Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

[littlebigone]

Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

[littlebigone]

Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

[topdog]

Another Michigan-centric joke:

MICHIGAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART (Fahrenheit)

At +70? -Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.

People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.

At +60? -North Carolinians start turning on the heat.

People in Michigan plant gardens.

At +50? -Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Michigan sunbathe.

At +40? -Italian and English cars won't start.

People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

At +30? -Distilled water freezes.

Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

At +20? -Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.

People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

At +15? -Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.

People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

At 0? -People in Miami begin freezing to death.

Michiganders lick the flagpole.

At -20? -Californians evacuate to Mexico.

People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

At -40? -Hollywood disintegrates.

The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

At -60? -Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.

Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

At -80? -Mt. St. Helens freezes.

People in Michigan rent some videos.

At -100? -Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

At -297? -Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.

Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.

At -460? -ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).

People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

At -500? - Hell freezes over.

The Lions win the Super Bowl!

[topdog]

Another Michigan-centric joke:

MICHIGAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART (Fahrenheit)

At +70? -Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.

People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.

At +60? -North Carolinians start turning on the heat.

People in Michigan plant gardens.

At +50? -Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Michigan sunbathe.

At +40? -Italian and English cars won't start.

People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

At +30? -Distilled water freezes.

Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

At +20? -Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.

People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

At +15? -Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.

People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

At 0? -People in Miami begin freezing to death.

Michiganders lick the flagpole.

At -20? -Californians evacuate to Mexico.

People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

At -40? -Hollywood disintegrates.

The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

At -60? -Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.

Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

At -80? -Mt. St. Helens freezes.

People in Michigan rent some videos.

At -100? -Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

At -297? -Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.

Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.

At -460? -ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).

People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

At -500? - Hell freezes over.

The Lions win the Super Bowl!

[__earth]

At -500? - Hell freezes over.

The Lions win the Super Bowl!

HOLY SHIT!

[__earth]

At -500? - Hell freezes over.

The Lions win the Super Bowl!

HOLY SHIT!

[topdog]

A group of Ohio State football players sit in remedial English.
The professor asks, "What comes after the sentence?"
They answer, "The appeal."

[topdog]

A group of Ohio State football players sit in remedial English.
The professor asks, "What comes after the sentence?"
They answer, "The appeal."

[laplace]

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They've heard a
rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they
aren't happy about sharing any of their cows.

The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our
differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with
MY 120 cows. I am not about to share any of MY cows with this
new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only
60 cows, so I can't afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys,
but I'm still a teenager. I'm already climbing the walls with
just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard.
The entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest,
baddest bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns
four feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank,
the two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well,
maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner
of the pasture, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and
shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational
way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot
over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth
dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and
pawing the ground again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm
a BULL!"

[laplace]

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They've heard a
rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they
aren't happy about sharing any of their cows.

The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our
differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with
MY 120 cows. I am not about to share any of MY cows with this
new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only
60 cows, so I can't afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys,
but I'm still a teenager. I'm already climbing the walls with
just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard.
The entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest,
baddest bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns
four feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank,
the two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well,
maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner
of the pasture, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and
shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational
way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot
over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth
dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and
pawing the ground again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm
a BULL!"

[laplace]

this is a bit 18SX, forum manager may delete it if you feel it is not appropriate :wink:

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he
climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"

[laplace]

this is a bit 18SX, forum manager may delete it if you feel it is not appropriate :wink:

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he
climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"

[laplace]

A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands
up and yells across the bar, "Who is the baddest man in here?"

This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."

Well, the little guy goes over and whips the crap out of the
big man and leaves.

Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to
whip the crap out of the baddest man in the bar and then
leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the
bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating
gorilla.

Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's
the baddest man here?"

Bartender says, "He's in the bathroom!"

After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes
out of the bathroom and tells the bartender, "When the guy in
the bathroom wakes up, tell him his fur coat is in the trash
can."

[laplace]

A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands
up and yells across the bar, "Who is the baddest man in here?"

This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."

Well, the little guy goes over and whips the crap out of the
big man and leaves.

Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to
whip the crap out of the baddest man in the bar and then
leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the
bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating
gorilla.

Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's
the baddest man here?"

Bartender says, "He's in the bathroom!"

After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes
out of the bathroom and tells the bartender, "When the guy in
the bathroom wakes up, tell him his fur coat is in the trash
can."

[laplace]

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys,"
sobbed the pretty young wife.

"Don't worry about me, babe, " he soothed her. "I'll be back
before you know it."

"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

[laplace]

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys,"
sobbed the pretty young wife.

"Don't worry about me, babe, " he soothed her. "I'll be back
before you know it."

"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

[laplace]

As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him
that before he dies god has commanded that he must make love
to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly
pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a
while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions
are met:

"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration
I will perform on her body!"

"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the
unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"

"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable
acts I will be performing on her body."

The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports
back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward
and says, "One last thing."

"What is it?" asks the Angel.

The Pope whispers, "Big tits."

[laplace]

As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him
that before he dies god has commanded that he must make love
to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly
pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a
while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions
are met:

"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration
I will perform on her body!"

"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the
unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"

"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable
acts I will be performing on her body."

The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports
back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward
and says, "One last thing."

"What is it?" asks the Angel.

The Pope whispers, "Big tits."

[laplace]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning".

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was
when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the
right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe
away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck
hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

[laplace]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning".

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was
when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the
right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe
away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck
hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

[laplace]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other
patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the
way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As
he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what
are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[laplace]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other
patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the
way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As
he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what
are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[laplace]

A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of
lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads
of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole
head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his
manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As
he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "--and this gentleman wants to
buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Afterward, the manager said, "You almost got yourself in a lot
of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we
like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but loose women and ball players down
there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

[laplace]

A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of
lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads
of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole
head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his
manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As
he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "--and this gentleman wants to
buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Afterward, the manager said, "You almost got yourself in a lot
of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we
like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but loose women and ball players down
there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

[laplace]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat
and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court this was the man's reply
when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she
was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read
"Sloans Liniments remove Swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident."

[laplace]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat
and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court this was the man's reply
when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she
was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read
"Sloans Liniments remove Swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident."

[laplace]

Trying to make up for bad behavior, a man went to the shopping
mall to buy his wife a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for
my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't
know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller
than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she
wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," the man replied, "She also needs
a br@<hidden> and p@<hidden>!e$."

[laplace]

Trying to make up for bad behavior, a man went to the shopping
mall to buy his wife a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for
my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't
know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller
than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she
wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," the man replied, "She also needs
a br@<hidden> and p@<hidden>!e$."

[laplace]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana
recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well
known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my
pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and
let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump
rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[laplace]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana
recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well
known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my
pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and
let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump
rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"