{Jokes} -- New Jokes for March

[laplace]

An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night
having a beer.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to
drink from the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass
to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that
we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice, either."

The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots
the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches his glass.

He says, "In the United States we have so many Mexicans and
Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[laplace]

An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night
having a beer.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to
drink from the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass
to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that
we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice, either."

The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots
the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches his glass.

He says, "In the United States we have so many Mexicans and
Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[laplace]

A woman goes to the doctor's office.

"Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up,
proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she
sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to
reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about
them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are
you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming
from a man with his head between her thighs she replied, "Well,
yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her
earrings aren't real gold."

[laplace]

A woman goes to the doctor's office.

"Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up,
proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she
sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to
reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about
them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are
you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming
from a man with his head between her thighs she replied, "Well,
yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her
earrings aren't real gold."

[laplace]

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"

Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister
is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While
Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's
teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed
to answer any of the special questions, he was to go back to
the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnnie was
brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms
and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"

Principal: "What is 9 x9?"
Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong
case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I
think Johnnie can go to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let 'me' ask him some
questions before we make that decision?" The principal and
Johnnie both agreed, and Johnnie had a very sly look on his
face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that
I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

The principal eyes flew wide open. Before he could stop
Johnnie's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I MISSED
THE LAST TWO QUESTIONS MYSELF!"

[laplace]

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"

Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister
is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While
Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's
teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed
to answer any of the special questions, he was to go back to
the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnnie was
brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms
and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"

Principal: "What is 9 x9?"
Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong
case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I
think Johnnie can go to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let 'me' ask him some
questions before we make that decision?" The principal and
Johnnie both agreed, and Johnnie had a very sly look on his
face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that
I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

The principal eyes flew wide open. Before he could stop
Johnnie's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I MISSED
THE LAST TWO QUESTIONS MYSELF!"

[laplace]

This joke is a little bit... 18SX :wink:

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling,
"Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got
the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five
dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat in the tree."

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is
just trying to see your panties?!"

"OOOOhhhh," said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house
yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars."

The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten
dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and
laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "Wait
Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."

[laplace]

This joke is a little bit... 18SX :wink:

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling,
"Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got
the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five
dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat in the tree."

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is
just trying to see your panties?!"

"OOOOhhhh," said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house
yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars."

The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten
dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and
laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "Wait
Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."

[yekban81]

Can You Beat This Logic?

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the
Custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for
his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man
rose from his chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, but the man won!

This is really a good one... I am still laughing!! Thanks yekban!

[yekban81]

Can You Beat This Logic?

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the
Custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for
his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man
rose from his chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, but the man won!

This is really a good one... I am still laughing!! Thanks yekban!

[laplace]

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of
whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so
the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves.

Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the
park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun
sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk.

"Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was
for Mother Superior's constipation."

"It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll s_h_i_t!"

[laplace]

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of
whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so
the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves.

Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the
park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun
sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk.

"Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was
for Mother Superior's constipation."

"It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll s_h_i_t!"

[laplace]

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked
if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that
magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me,
saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...

[laplace]

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked
if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that
magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me,
saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...

[PeiWen]

What are you thinking about?

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".

*************************************************
Miseducation of Man and Woman


SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

[PeiWen]

What are you thinking about?

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".

*************************************************
Miseducation of Man and Woman


SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

[PeiWen]

Johnny: bad grades
---------------------------------

Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term
from school with his report card. The report card has all
D's and F's.

His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that
everyone in his class did poorly not just him.

"But what about David down the street," they said,
"he brought home all A's and B's"

"Well David is different", he retorted.

"How so?", his father asked.

"'Cuz his parents are smart!"

*************************************************
Shocked!
---------------------------------
<< the next joke is what I call an adult-ish joke.. >>

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about
their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked
as I didn't even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I
was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"

With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to
worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when
I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even
know she had a willy!"

****************************************************
Japanese, faaast!
---------------------------------

Outside of a hotel in India, a Japanese tourist gets in a cab
and tells the driver to drive him to the airport. On their way, a
car zoomed by and the Japanese goes,
"Aaah Toyota, made in Japan, very faaast!"
And then, another car zooms by and the Japanese goes,
"Aaah Nissan, made in Japan, very faaast!"
And then, another car zooms by and the Japanese goes,
"Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan, very faaast!"

By this time, the cabby, an Indian sardar, is getting tired of
his passenger's nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the
airport, the sardar cabby tells his passenger,
"1000 rupees please.."

The Japanese goes, "1000 rupees? It's not that far from the
hotel!!!"

The cabby's reply,
"Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan.very faaast!!"

[PeiWen]

Johnny: bad grades
---------------------------------

Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term
from school with his report card. The report card has all
D's and F's.

His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that
everyone in his class did poorly not just him.

"But what about David down the street," they said,
"he brought home all A's and B's"

"Well David is different", he retorted.

"How so?", his father asked.

"'Cuz his parents are smart!"

*************************************************
Shocked!
---------------------------------
<< the next joke is what I call an adult-ish joke.. >>

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about
their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked
as I didn't even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I
was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"

With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to
worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when
I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even
know she had a willy!"

****************************************************
Japanese, faaast!
---------------------------------

Outside of a hotel in India, a Japanese tourist gets in a cab
and tells the driver to drive him to the airport. On their way, a
car zoomed by and the Japanese goes,
"Aaah Toyota, made in Japan, very faaast!"
And then, another car zooms by and the Japanese goes,
"Aaah Nissan, made in Japan, very faaast!"
And then, another car zooms by and the Japanese goes,
"Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan, very faaast!"

By this time, the cabby, an Indian sardar, is getting tired of
his passenger's nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the
airport, the sardar cabby tells his passenger,
"1000 rupees please.."

The Japanese goes, "1000 rupees? It's not that far from the
hotel!!!"

The cabby's reply,
"Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan.very faaast!!"

[PeiWen]

All the same
---------------------------------
<< a *hilarious* joke sent in by a subscriber! >>

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks.
At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next
to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous
producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese
crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from
the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"

The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor,
you ##@<hidden>!!*#! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~##!?*! I am Chinese!"

"Yeah yeah yeah...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese,
you are all the same", retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and
ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later,
the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch
to the director, sending him flat to the floor.

"What was that for?" exclaimed the director.

"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that
ship!" the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
shouted the director.

"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg,...
you are all the same!"

****************************************************
The 'great' writer
---------------------------------

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[PeiWen]

All the same
---------------------------------
<< a *hilarious* joke sent in by a subscriber! >>

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks.
At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next
to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous
producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese
crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from
the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"

The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor,
you ##@<hidden>!!*#! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~##!?*! I am Chinese!"

"Yeah yeah yeah...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese,
you are all the same", retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and
ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later,
the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch
to the director, sending him flat to the floor.

"What was that for?" exclaimed the director.

"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that
ship!" the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
shouted the director.

"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg,...
you are all the same!"

****************************************************
The 'great' writer
---------------------------------

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[laplace]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern
containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first
guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy
wishes the same. The third guy says, "I'm lonely. I wish my
friends were back here."

[laplace]

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in
London; a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all
starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However,
upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white
wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with
the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.

The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being
paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the
Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant
and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was
finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for
food. "But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted.

This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan,
and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers
he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a
cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu
plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter
came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for
it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of
problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like
you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me
but I don't remember getting any money from them, so..."

Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly, "Hear
mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem... jus gimme mi change!"

[laplace]

A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood
sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and
went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride
immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so
how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language
-- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful
4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay
with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME,
PLEASE!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so
upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words
like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[PeiWen]

Bad times..
----------------------------------------

Three convicts escaped from prison.

They made it to the downtown of a nearby city but were confronted
by a policeman.

"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the
policeman.

Thinking on his feet, the first convict looked around, then said,
"No, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer".

The second followed his lead and said,
"My names is William, W H Smith".

The third said, "My name is Ken.....Tucky Fried Chicken".

****************************************************
Who's children ?!?
----------------------------------------
<< a slightly adult-ish joke...read at your own will.. >>

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West
Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a
divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a
problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of
silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied,
"Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar
comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

****************************************************
Marriage Shorties I
----------------------------------------

#CASE 1
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want,
then when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.

#CASE 2
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??"
And the father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

#CASE 3
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take;
the husband gives and the wife takes.

#CASE 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[yekban81]

Stressed OUT!

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you ! expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and
one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!! "
Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."
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Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time?
Post Master : Well it might do.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Johor.
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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
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Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
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Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A.
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
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A lady went to a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup.
Lady : Waiter, what is this soup called?
Waiter : It is called special chicken soup.
Lady : But I see no chicken in it!
Waiter : That's why it's so special!
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Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ?
Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.

[PeiWen]

haha, thanks a lot for sharing those yekban..really funny.... :lol:

[DecentMerson]

EQUILIBRIUM

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
"Look Michael, look what I have made." Said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God' "and I've put life on it, I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and this one extremely cold, and this one covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Malaysia, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Malaysia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE! So if Malaysians are going to be that great, you must've created some really corny people to balance them out"
God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting right next to
them. They're called Singaporeans!!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D :D :D :D :D 8) 8) 8) 8)

[yekban81]

This joke is too offensive. I don't like it at all. Who is the author of this joke? :?

[laplace]

Agree Yekban, although this is the SIG and only those interested will join in but if we are going to post some jokes to share among the group, we should filter them...

DecentMerson, we are not saying that this is your fault, I mean... basically I received a lot of jokes from my subscribers but I will filter them before I posted it here, you know lah... this Recom has so many members, if we don't filter them, indirectly we will offend others... :wink:

laplace..

[laplace]

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent
asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever
I go, he goes."

"I'm sorry," said the cashier. "We can't allow animals in the
theater."

The farmer went around the corner and stuffed the rooster down
his pants. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket,
entered the theater and sat down next to two old widows,
Mildred and Marge.

The movie started, and Chucky began to squirm. The farmer
unzipped his pants so the rooster could stick his head out
and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge, engrossed in the movie.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"Why?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out."

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, still watching the
screen. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so, too," said Mildred. "But this one's eating my
popcorn."

[ElansarGelmir]

Finally, i've figured out how to join this SIG (thanks to Chen Chow :D ). Ok, my share (dunno if you guys have heard of it before... forgive me if this joke is already out of date).

An 85 year old man sucked his 80 year old wife's breast and drank 2 drops of milk that came out. The next day, the old man died. The doctor diagnosed his death due to taking in an expired milk.

[yekban81]

haha :D really funny even I read it for second time.
Here's another joke:


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. God decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So God called one of heaven's best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned , the angel told God, "Yikes!! It is bad On Earth, 95% are bad and 5% are good. " Well, God thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second angel; to get another point of view. So God called another angel and to send to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned the angel went to went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% were bad and 5% were good. "

God said this was not good. So God decided to E-mail the 5% that were good. God wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No ?????

You didn't get one either, huh?

[ElansarGelmir]

No ?????

You didn't get one either, huh?

I think I'm kinda groggy... Took me 6 seconds to get it.... aiyah, what happen to me ler?

Here's one lame joke...

3 people - an engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician gathered at a coffee house one day. Opposite the coffee house is an empty house where there's no one in there. Suddenly, they saw 2 people walked into the house. An hour later, 3 people walked out of the house.

Baffled by the unusual phenomenon, the engineer said, "The measurement is not accurate."
The Biologist said, "A reproduction must have occured."

And the mathematician said, "If another person is to enter the house, the house will be empty again."

[ElansarGelmir]

This joke is a little offensive, but i find it really funny...

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

[ElansarGelmir]

One day, a couple bought a magic mirror without knowing the mirror is a magic one. One day, as the wife was looking at herself on the mirror, topless, she sighed and said, "How i wish my boobs are bigger." In an instance, her boobs grew and grew and became big. She was shocked by this and quickly ran down to tell her husband. He dashed up to the mirror, took down his pants, and exclaimed, "I wish my willy will touch the ground." And ZAP!!! His legs became short.

[ElansarGelmir]

There were 3 ugly sisters who want to be pretty one day. So they decided to confront a witch doctor to make them beautiful. The witch doctor told them to run up the hill behind their house and they will see a magic pond. Then, they'll have to run around the pond 5 times, shout the name or whatever thing they want to be, and jump into the pond. The three sisters rush off to the hill, and when they got there, they saw the magic pond. The first sister ran round the pond and shouted "Jennifer Lopez" and jumped into the pond, and hey presto!!! She became Jennifer Lopez.

The second sister, seeing this, ran faster, and shouted "Pamela Anderson" and jumped into the pond, and she too came out as Pamela Anderson. The third sister was too eager, that she ran around the pond very fast, and on the 5th round, she accidentally slipped, and fell into the pond, and she shouted, "Shit!!!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A woman went to a tattoo shop and asked the tattoo man to print a tattoo with the word Merry Christmas on her left thigh. Then, she asked him to print Happy New Year on the next. After doing so, the puzzled tattoo man asked her why she wanted it that way. The woman replied, "My husband always complained that he has nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year."

[ElansarGelmir]

A circus owner claimed that he can make his elephant laugh. However, when he tried to make the elephant laugh, the elephant wouldn't laugh. The circus owner tried and tried and tried but the elephant still would not even smirk. The circus owner was very worried because he needed to make his elephant laugh. Out of desperation, he make an announcement to everyone that he will give 5 bux to whoever that can make his elephant laugh. A small boy volunteered, and went to the elephant and whispered something into the elephant's ears. Right on that instance, the elephant started laughing and laughing and laughing non stop. Amazed, the circus owner gave the boy 5 bux as he had promised.

The elephant laughed and laughed for days and the circus owner grew worried again. He tried to make the elephant stop laughing but he couldn't. So he make another challenge to everyone that he will give 10 bux to whoever that can make his elephant stop laughing. The small boy came again, showed something to the elephant, and the elephant stopped laughing and started crying. While handing the small boy his 10 bux reward, the circus owner asked the boy how he made the elephant laughed and cried.

The boy said, "I told the elephant that my diq is bigger than his. THe elephant did not believe me and started laughing. However, when i showed him my diq, it is true and he started crying."

[ElansarGelmir]

A little girl and her teacher were arguing about the incident where her friend, Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The little girl insisted that the whale swallowed Jonah, while her teacher kept telling he that whales don't swallow humans. The little girl was furious and she said, "When I go to heaven, I'll ask Jonah."

Her teacher asked her back, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask her!"