{Articles} -- It's the Connection, Stupid! (Part 1-3)

[laplace]

Remember the slogan from President Clinton’s 1992 campaign: "It’s the economy, stupid?" That slogan was posted in each campaign office to remind the staff what Bill Clinton wanted them to focus on, and what was important to the voters. Analogously, I have heard from many subscribers that what they were interested in, and what was important to them, were articles pertaining to forming and maintaining a relationship with others.

Connecting with people is really the cornerstone of success. "It’s the connection, stupid!" may be a sign that you want to place on your desk or bathroom mirror in order to remember the importance of forming and maintaining good connections with others. However, this skill is not something that is specifically taught to most children. Often, it is not until a person reaches adulthood that they realize some people have an easier time making friends and working with others than they do. How many people do you know who are intelligent, maybe even brilliant, but are unsuccessful in their careers and/or family life? Why? Because they have difficulty maintaining warm and meaningful connections with others. The following is the first in a four part series that focuses on connecting and improving relationships with others.

FORMING NEW CONNECTIONS

Although you did not realize it at the time, you learned how to form connections with other people as a child. One of the most important lessons that you learned from your parents was about forming and maintaining relationships with others. If your parents had a large circle of friends, it now probably comes naturally for you to interact socially with others. If your parents had only a few close friendships, you may find that you form strong attachments with friends but have difficulty interacting with others (e.g., if you enter a room filled with people you don’t know). If you were taught by your parents to never talk to strangers, you may have problems talking to them now. You may also have trouble interacting with authority figures. It is important to consider the manner in which these lessons that you learned from your parents may continue to affect how you form and maintain connections with others.

If you spend some time on a playground, you will soon notice that children generally have less fear about playing with, talking to, or beginning to form a relationship with other children than the most aggressive salesman has about striking up a conversation with a stranger. Children naturally want to interact with other children. Although many of these initial relationships flounder and disintegrate, children are fearless about forming new relationships. However, if you followed the same child from his or her play in the sandbox with other 3 year olds to adolescence, you would see how that child’s socialization experiences impact his or her ability to form connections with others as an adolescent. Along with the lessons that you learned from your family, you also learned many lessons from your early social interactions with others. Did you frequently become the leader among your peers? Were there a series of negative experiences in your childhood (e.g., being picked on by a bully) that led you to be cautious about interacting with other children? Were you frequently in the "popular" clique, or did you always find yourself the object of other children’s taunts?. The lessons that you learned from your family and your experiences with other children likely will dictate how you connect with others as an adult. Therefore, it is important to examine how these socialization experiences impact and shape how you function in the world today.

When assessing your ability to connect with others, you should first examine your patterns of interaction with strangers. Do you avoid eye contact with people that you do not know? Are you reluctant to place yourself in a room full of strangers? Can you easily strike up a conversation with someone that you have just met? Forming connections with others can be quite difficult if you’ve lost (or never had) the reckless abandon about interacting with peers that comes naturally to most children.

If it is difficult for you to form new relationships with others, here are a few suggestions to help you form new and better connections in the future:

> Decide that improving your ability to connect with others is a priority in your life. This ability is critical to success in your social, business, and family life. However, you will never improve your ability to connect with others unless you decide that it is time to make changes in your life.

> Take the time to consider the lessons that you learned from your parentsabout interacting with others (particularly strangers and new friends). What positive and negative lessons did you learn? How have these lessons impacted you as an adult? Were there influences from authority figures in your childhood and adolescence that conveyed different messages than those you learned from your parents (e.g., a teacher that helped you work out problems with other children)?

>Examine what your socialization experiences were with other children. Did you make friends easily? Were you popular or did you often feel isolated and on the outside? How did you cope when your attempts at friendship with another child? If you still maintain friendships with people that you grew up with, ask them to describe your behavior. It may prove to be an enlightening experience.

>Keep a journal for several weeks that focuses on your interactions with people you don’t know or have just met. Do you maintain eye contact with others? Can you engage in "chit-chat" with store clerks? How do you begin and end conversations with new business contacts or parents of your child(ren)’s friends?

>Divide these observations into "successful experiences" and "areas that need improvement".

>Develop a battle plan for becoming more comfortable and successful in interacting with people that you have just met. It may start with simply maintaining eye contact as you pay for something that you purchase at a store. If conversation with others is difficult, develop a list of mundane topics (e.g., the weather or an upcoming event at your child’s school) that you could talk about with someone you have just met. Look for things that you can use as a compliment with someone you have just met. A compliment is a great way to strike up a conversation. "That’s a great shirt you are wearing. Where did you get it?" or "I really like what you have done to your house since you moved in," or "I’ve always wanted a car like yours. How does it run?" Any of these comments and questions can serve as the launching pad for a brief conversation that may lead to the formation of a new relationship.

>Think about the attitude that you generally display when you’re with others. Are you a "positive person" that people are naturally attracted to, or are you a "doom and gloom person" that most people would turn away from? Remember that a sunny disposition will cause others to want to interact with you. It will also have a myriad of other positive effects on your life and health.

>Begin to look at people you don’t know as potential new friends or business contacts rather than strangers who you don’t need or don’t want to know. Everyone has an interesting aspect of their life if you take the time to ask them about it.

As your ability to interact and form connections with new people improves, you will want to improve your existing relationships as well. That will be the focus of my next article.

As always, thank you for subscribing to the Pinnacle Perspective!

Warmest regards,

Susan

[laplace]

Remember the slogan from President Clinton’s 1992 campaign: "It’s the economy, stupid?" That slogan was posted in each campaign office to remind the staff what Bill Clinton wanted them to focus on, and what was important to the voters. Analogously, I have heard from many subscribers that what they were interested in, and what was important to them, were articles pertaining to forming and maintaining a relationship with others.

Connecting with people is really the cornerstone of success. "It’s the connection, stupid!" may be a sign that you want to place on your desk or bathroom mirror in order to remember the importance of forming and maintaining good connections with others. However, this skill is not something that is specifically taught to most children. Often, it is not until a person reaches adulthood that they realize some people have an easier time making friends and working with others than they do. How many people do you know who are intelligent, maybe even brilliant, but are unsuccessful in their careers and/or family life? Why? Because they have difficulty maintaining warm and meaningful connections with others. The following is the first in a four part series that focuses on connecting and improving relationships with others.

FORMING NEW CONNECTIONS

Although you did not realize it at the time, you learned how to form connections with other people as a child. One of the most important lessons that you learned from your parents was about forming and maintaining relationships with others. If your parents had a large circle of friends, it now probably comes naturally for you to interact socially with others. If your parents had only a few close friendships, you may find that you form strong attachments with friends but have difficulty interacting with others (e.g., if you enter a room filled with people you don’t know). If you were taught by your parents to never talk to strangers, you may have problems talking to them now. You may also have trouble interacting with authority figures. It is important to consider the manner in which these lessons that you learned from your parents may continue to affect how you form and maintain connections with others.

If you spend some time on a playground, you will soon notice that children generally have less fear about playing with, talking to, or beginning to form a relationship with other children than the most aggressive salesman has about striking up a conversation with a stranger. Children naturally want to interact with other children. Although many of these initial relationships flounder and disintegrate, children are fearless about forming new relationships. However, if you followed the same child from his or her play in the sandbox with other 3 year olds to adolescence, you would see how that child’s socialization experiences impact his or her ability to form connections with others as an adolescent. Along with the lessons that you learned from your family, you also learned many lessons from your early social interactions with others. Did you frequently become the leader among your peers? Were there a series of negative experiences in your childhood (e.g., being picked on by a bully) that led you to be cautious about interacting with other children? Were you frequently in the "popular" clique, or did you always find yourself the object of other children’s taunts?. The lessons that you learned from your family and your experiences with other children likely will dictate how you connect with others as an adult. Therefore, it is important to examine how these socialization experiences impact and shape how you function in the world today.

When assessing your ability to connect with others, you should first examine your patterns of interaction with strangers. Do you avoid eye contact with people that you do not know? Are you reluctant to place yourself in a room full of strangers? Can you easily strike up a conversation with someone that you have just met? Forming connections with others can be quite difficult if you’ve lost (or never had) the reckless abandon about interacting with peers that comes naturally to most children.

If it is difficult for you to form new relationships with others, here are a few suggestions to help you form new and better connections in the future:

> Decide that improving your ability to connect with others is a priority in your life. This ability is critical to success in your social, business, and family life. However, you will never improve your ability to connect with others unless you decide that it is time to make changes in your life.

> Take the time to consider the lessons that you learned from your parentsabout interacting with others (particularly strangers and new friends). What positive and negative lessons did you learn? How have these lessons impacted you as an adult? Were there influences from authority figures in your childhood and adolescence that conveyed different messages than those you learned from your parents (e.g., a teacher that helped you work out problems with other children)?

>Examine what your socialization experiences were with other children. Did you make friends easily? Were you popular or did you often feel isolated and on the outside? How did you cope when your attempts at friendship with another child? If you still maintain friendships with people that you grew up with, ask them to describe your behavior. It may prove to be an enlightening experience.

>Keep a journal for several weeks that focuses on your interactions with people you don’t know or have just met. Do you maintain eye contact with others? Can you engage in "chit-chat" with store clerks? How do you begin and end conversations with new business contacts or parents of your child(ren)’s friends?

>Divide these observations into "successful experiences" and "areas that need improvement".

>Develop a battle plan for becoming more comfortable and successful in interacting with people that you have just met. It may start with simply maintaining eye contact as you pay for something that you purchase at a store. If conversation with others is difficult, develop a list of mundane topics (e.g., the weather or an upcoming event at your child’s school) that you could talk about with someone you have just met. Look for things that you can use as a compliment with someone you have just met. A compliment is a great way to strike up a conversation. "That’s a great shirt you are wearing. Where did you get it?" or "I really like what you have done to your house since you moved in," or "I’ve always wanted a car like yours. How does it run?" Any of these comments and questions can serve as the launching pad for a brief conversation that may lead to the formation of a new relationship.

>Think about the attitude that you generally display when you’re with others. Are you a "positive person" that people are naturally attracted to, or are you a "doom and gloom person" that most people would turn away from? Remember that a sunny disposition will cause others to want to interact with you. It will also have a myriad of other positive effects on your life and health.

>Begin to look at people you don’t know as potential new friends or business contacts rather than strangers who you don’t need or don’t want to know. Everyone has an interesting aspect of their life if you take the time to ask them about it.

As your ability to interact and form connections with new people improves, you will want to improve your existing relationships as well. That will be the focus of my next article.

As always, thank you for subscribing to the Pinnacle Perspective!

Warmest regards,

Susan

[laplace]

In part 1 of this series, I focused on how to establish new relationships or "connections". In this article, I’d like to focus on how to maintain and deepen connections with your friends.

Friends are a very interesting group of people. A "friend" can be defined on a continuum from a person who is only slightly better known to you than an acquaintance to someone who may be even more important to you than members of your family. Maintaining a friendship usually takes more effort than what is required to maintain a bond with a family member. I have had numerous clients tell me that they are "stuck" with their families but are willing to work hard to deepen and expand relationships that they value with friends.

As with your ability to establish new connections, your patterns for initiating, maintaining and strengthening friendships were initially formed in childhood. You may have always had a "best friend" or a series of "best friends" as you moved through childhood. You may have developed a set of friends that you still have contact with today. Adolescents often have a sense of "us" or "our group" that is connected with a close circle of peers. However, if it was difficult for you to form and maintain close friendships as a child, you may have felt like an "outsider", or not at-ease, when interacting with your peers. As an adult, you most likely enhanced your ability to make friends and form professional relationships as you entered your chosen profession. No matter what type of patterns you have established for making and maintaining friends, it’s always possible to improve your skills as a friend. Does the idea of having "friendship skills" seem odd? Well, regardless of what type of relationship you describe (e.g., marriage, friendship, business associate, etc.), you unconsciously employ a set of skills to make those relationships work. The key to successful relationships of any kind is to continue to broaden and enhance your skills throughout the course of your life.

Although volumes have been written about how to make friends and friendships, I’d like to focus on a few points that are often neglected:

Continuity

Do you remember the old adage, "good friends are there through thick and thin?" That is an accurate statement. A good friend is reliable. If you make a commitment to a friend, you should make every effort to keep it. Friends are also consistent. You may have a wide variety of "friends" that are drawn from the different components of your life, but you will find that "good friends" interact with each other on a fairly consistent basis regardless of whether you only see them at work or just while leaning over the fence in the backyard.

Commonalties

Friendships often begin because of commonalties that exist between two individuals. These commonalties give people a basis on which to build a rapport and get to know one another. However, the initial commonalties may be short lived (e.g., working on a project at work or at your child’s school), so it is imperative for friends to continue to establish new commonalties and find areas that will enable them to deepen and expand their friendship.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to relate to what someone else is experiencing. Friends are good at empathizing with one another because of the commonalties upon which their relationship is based. One problem that often arises between friends is when one friend expects the other to be empathic, while not having any interest in the other person’s life problems. If you find yourself repeatedly telling your troubles to a friend without hearing any of his or hers in return, you should consider your friendship to be in danger. Now is the time to ask probing questions and determine what your friend would like to talk about or do with you. Listening to others, as well as expecting them to listen to you, is a key component of friendship.

Treat Your Friends Well

Doing things for others, in addition to listening to them, is an important part of friendship. It is the unanticipated and thoughtful gestures that friends often do for one another that will lead to a long term relationship. Bringing soup to a sick friend, sending a card to say how important someone is to you, or extending a "just drop by for a glass of wine" invitation acknowledges someone’s importance in your life much more effectively than mere words.

Be Positive

It goes without saying that I would encourage you to generally maintain onto a positive disposition when interacting with your friends. As I said before, sometimes friendships can deteriorate into a "woe is me" type of relationship. It is important that the majority of your conversations with any friend contain some positive news or ideas. This is not to say that you should not talk to your friends during troubled times, but you should also not go out of your way to be a "Gloomy Gus" if things are generally going well in your life.

Maintaining and deepening the connections that you have with your friends is an important part of having a full, rich, rewarding, and exciting life. Take time today to examine how you interact with your friends and determine what you can do to be a better friend to others!

[laplace]

In part 1 of this series, I focused on how to establish new relationships or "connections". In this article, I’d like to focus on how to maintain and deepen connections with your friends.

Friends are a very interesting group of people. A "friend" can be defined on a continuum from a person who is only slightly better known to you than an acquaintance to someone who may be even more important to you than members of your family. Maintaining a friendship usually takes more effort than what is required to maintain a bond with a family member. I have had numerous clients tell me that they are "stuck" with their families but are willing to work hard to deepen and expand relationships that they value with friends.

As with your ability to establish new connections, your patterns for initiating, maintaining and strengthening friendships were initially formed in childhood. You may have always had a "best friend" or a series of "best friends" as you moved through childhood. You may have developed a set of friends that you still have contact with today. Adolescents often have a sense of "us" or "our group" that is connected with a close circle of peers. However, if it was difficult for you to form and maintain close friendships as a child, you may have felt like an "outsider", or not at-ease, when interacting with your peers. As an adult, you most likely enhanced your ability to make friends and form professional relationships as you entered your chosen profession. No matter what type of patterns you have established for making and maintaining friends, it’s always possible to improve your skills as a friend. Does the idea of having "friendship skills" seem odd? Well, regardless of what type of relationship you describe (e.g., marriage, friendship, business associate, etc.), you unconsciously employ a set of skills to make those relationships work. The key to successful relationships of any kind is to continue to broaden and enhance your skills throughout the course of your life.

Although volumes have been written about how to make friends and friendships, I’d like to focus on a few points that are often neglected:

Continuity

Do you remember the old adage, "good friends are there through thick and thin?" That is an accurate statement. A good friend is reliable. If you make a commitment to a friend, you should make every effort to keep it. Friends are also consistent. You may have a wide variety of "friends" that are drawn from the different components of your life, but you will find that "good friends" interact with each other on a fairly consistent basis regardless of whether you only see them at work or just while leaning over the fence in the backyard.

Commonalties

Friendships often begin because of commonalties that exist between two individuals. These commonalties give people a basis on which to build a rapport and get to know one another. However, the initial commonalties may be short lived (e.g., working on a project at work or at your child’s school), so it is imperative for friends to continue to establish new commonalties and find areas that will enable them to deepen and expand their friendship.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to relate to what someone else is experiencing. Friends are good at empathizing with one another because of the commonalties upon which their relationship is based. One problem that often arises between friends is when one friend expects the other to be empathic, while not having any interest in the other person’s life problems. If you find yourself repeatedly telling your troubles to a friend without hearing any of his or hers in return, you should consider your friendship to be in danger. Now is the time to ask probing questions and determine what your friend would like to talk about or do with you. Listening to others, as well as expecting them to listen to you, is a key component of friendship.

Treat Your Friends Well

Doing things for others, in addition to listening to them, is an important part of friendship. It is the unanticipated and thoughtful gestures that friends often do for one another that will lead to a long term relationship. Bringing soup to a sick friend, sending a card to say how important someone is to you, or extending a "just drop by for a glass of wine" invitation acknowledges someone’s importance in your life much more effectively than mere words.

Be Positive

It goes without saying that I would encourage you to generally maintain onto a positive disposition when interacting with your friends. As I said before, sometimes friendships can deteriorate into a "woe is me" type of relationship. It is important that the majority of your conversations with any friend contain some positive news or ideas. This is not to say that you should not talk to your friends during troubled times, but you should also not go out of your way to be a "Gloomy Gus" if things are generally going well in your life.

Maintaining and deepening the connections that you have with your friends is an important part of having a full, rich, rewarding, and exciting life. Take time today to examine how you interact with your friends and determine what you can do to be a better friend to others!

[laplace]

In the first two parts of this series, I focused on how to establish new connections and deepen connections with your friends. This article will discuss suggestions for improving the depth and breadth of the connections that you have with members of your family.

As with the topic of friendship, countless numbers of books and articles have been written about family relationships. However, let me throw a few more ideas into the mix:

Respect

That’s right! You need to respect your loved ones. Whether the person is your spouse, child, sibling, or parent, you should treat him or her with respect. I often find that people treat their loved ones with less respect than they would a stranger. For example, I think most people will agree there are few things in life that have more importance to them than their children. Yet, I once watched a parent explode at her child because the ice cream she bought for him fell off of its cone and onto the floor. The child had done nothing to cause the accident, but the parent behaved as if he had turned the cone upside down on purpose and shaken it. I doubt if she would have behaved this way toward a stranger or a new acquaintance. Social norms would discourage her from raising her voice in reaction to the misbehavior of a new acquaintance. Instead, she would probably ignore or make light of the behavior.

Don’t Take Them for Granted

This idea goes hand in hand with the idea of treating your family members with respect. Your behavior may have slowly changed over time. It has not happened intentionally, it just happened. It may have began by forgetting to employ those common courtesies. For example, do you still treat your spouse the same way that the you did when you were dating? If not, why not? Do you say "no" to your children’s requests out of habit rather than for a good cause? If you do, how does that benefit the relationship with your children? You should treat those you love better than acquaintances, friends, or business associates. If you do not, consider changing your behavior today.

Do you remember to say "goodbye" to each member of your family before leaving the house? Do you ask them how the events of their day have gone when they return home in the evening? Do you give your spouse a kiss every morning? These are just a few examples of common courtesy that may have slowly vanished over time from your interaction with your family members. Consider whether you treat your family better or worse than new acquaintances and adjust your behavior to give them the proper amount of respect.

Build Them Up, Don’t Tear Them Down

As easy as it is to forget to take those we love for granted, it is even easier to begin focusing on a loved one’s negative points rather than emphasizing what he or she is "doing right." An old maxim of family therapy is that what ever you love most about someone when your relationship is new will become something that you come to dislike about that person as time goes on. You may come to view your spouse’s strong will and determination as stubbornness after years of marriage. If there are traits held by your spouse, children, siblings, or parents that you dislike, consider whether those same traits could be viewed in a more positive light. Also, consider how you talk to your family members. My mother always said, "you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar," and she was right. Your opinions are more likely to be heard and responded to positively if you express them in a positive tone. "I know that you are tired after a long day at work, but it would really help me out if you would put your shoes away in the closet rather than leaving them in the middle of the floor" is a message that is easily heard. However, the statement, "I’m not your slave! Pick up your own shoes" is a message that will probably result in the shoes always being left in the middle of the room where you will trip over them. Listen to how you express yourself with your family members. It takes practice, but a message with a positive tone will be responded to much quicker than a message filled with anger and sarcasm. Also, don’t forget to "catch" your family members when they are doing something that you like and compliment them for their actions. It’s a great way to show how much you appreciate them as well as reinforcing their positive behavior.

Be the Same Person with Your Family Inside and Outside of Your Home

As a therapist, I have noticed that families have "inside" and "outside" behavior. They may act like the Nelsons from the "Ozzie and Harriet" television show when they are in public, but like the Bundys from the "Married With Children" series when they are at home. Not only is it confusing for children to have this type of inconsistent behavior, but it is destructive to an adult relationship. Move your "outside" behavior inside your home. You’ll find that your positive statements, behavior, and emotional expressions that you make toward your family members will cause them to behave more positively toward you as well. The secret is: they may not even realizing why their own behavior is changing!

Set up a Family Meeting Schedule

It is important for couples, parents and children, and all the members of a family to have the opportunity to discuss issues and maintain an open line of communication with one another. However, it is difficult to have those discussions with today’s hectic lifestyle. I always suggest to my clients that they have either a specific meal that is attended by every member each week (e.g., Sunday dinner) or that they schedule a specific meeting time each week. That time does not need to be specifically devoted to deep conversation or a discussion about a negative event. For example, family members can spend the time playing a board game that will inevitably facilitate discussion. Children can propose changes to family rules. Stories can be told about how parents handled a problem when they were children that one of the young members of the family is now experiencing. However, family meetings should also be used as a time to discuss a child's problems at school or a parent’s view of a child’s behavior. Couples should also have separate time to spend together. An "adult meeting", which is another name for a "date", for Mom and Dad is also an important meeting that will promote a strong marital relationship.

These are just a few suggestions about how to improve family relationships. Once again, they focus on positive behavior and the expression of feelings. Just remember: my mother was right. Honey is much tastier than vinegar!

Copyright ? 1999 Susan C. Rempel, Ph.D.

[laplace]

In the first two parts of this series, I focused on how to establish new connections and deepen connections with your friends. This article will discuss suggestions for improving the depth and breadth of the connections that you have with members of your family.

As with the topic of friendship, countless numbers of books and articles have been written about family relationships. However, let me throw a few more ideas into the mix:

Respect

That’s right! You need to respect your loved ones. Whether the person is your spouse, child, sibling, or parent, you should treat him or her with respect. I often find that people treat their loved ones with less respect than they would a stranger. For example, I think most people will agree there are few things in life that have more importance to them than their children. Yet, I once watched a parent explode at her child because the ice cream she bought for him fell off of its cone and onto the floor. The child had done nothing to cause the accident, but the parent behaved as if he had turned the cone upside down on purpose and shaken it. I doubt if she would have behaved this way toward a stranger or a new acquaintance. Social norms would discourage her from raising her voice in reaction to the misbehavior of a new acquaintance. Instead, she would probably ignore or make light of the behavior.

Don’t Take Them for Granted

This idea goes hand in hand with the idea of treating your family members with respect. Your behavior may have slowly changed over time. It has not happened intentionally, it just happened. It may have began by forgetting to employ those common courtesies. For example, do you still treat your spouse the same way that the you did when you were dating? If not, why not? Do you say "no" to your children’s requests out of habit rather than for a good cause? If you do, how does that benefit the relationship with your children? You should treat those you love better than acquaintances, friends, or business associates. If you do not, consider changing your behavior today.

Do you remember to say "goodbye" to each member of your family before leaving the house? Do you ask them how the events of their day have gone when they return home in the evening? Do you give your spouse a kiss every morning? These are just a few examples of common courtesy that may have slowly vanished over time from your interaction with your family members. Consider whether you treat your family better or worse than new acquaintances and adjust your behavior to give them the proper amount of respect.

Build Them Up, Don’t Tear Them Down

As easy as it is to forget to take those we love for granted, it is even easier to begin focusing on a loved one’s negative points rather than emphasizing what he or she is "doing right." An old maxim of family therapy is that what ever you love most about someone when your relationship is new will become something that you come to dislike about that person as time goes on. You may come to view your spouse’s strong will and determination as stubbornness after years of marriage. If there are traits held by your spouse, children, siblings, or parents that you dislike, consider whether those same traits could be viewed in a more positive light. Also, consider how you talk to your family members. My mother always said, "you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar," and she was right. Your opinions are more likely to be heard and responded to positively if you express them in a positive tone. "I know that you are tired after a long day at work, but it would really help me out if you would put your shoes away in the closet rather than leaving them in the middle of the floor" is a message that is easily heard. However, the statement, "I’m not your slave! Pick up your own shoes" is a message that will probably result in the shoes always being left in the middle of the room where you will trip over them. Listen to how you express yourself with your family members. It takes practice, but a message with a positive tone will be responded to much quicker than a message filled with anger and sarcasm. Also, don’t forget to "catch" your family members when they are doing something that you like and compliment them for their actions. It’s a great way to show how much you appreciate them as well as reinforcing their positive behavior.

Be the Same Person with Your Family Inside and Outside of Your Home

As a therapist, I have noticed that families have "inside" and "outside" behavior. They may act like the Nelsons from the "Ozzie and Harriet" television show when they are in public, but like the Bundys from the "Married With Children" series when they are at home. Not only is it confusing for children to have this type of inconsistent behavior, but it is destructive to an adult relationship. Move your "outside" behavior inside your home. You’ll find that your positive statements, behavior, and emotional expressions that you make toward your family members will cause them to behave more positively toward you as well. The secret is: they may not even realizing why their own behavior is changing!

Set up a Family Meeting Schedule

It is important for couples, parents and children, and all the members of a family to have the opportunity to discuss issues and maintain an open line of communication with one another. However, it is difficult to have those discussions with today’s hectic lifestyle. I always suggest to my clients that they have either a specific meal that is attended by every member each week (e.g., Sunday dinner) or that they schedule a specific meeting time each week. That time does not need to be specifically devoted to deep conversation or a discussion about a negative event. For example, family members can spend the time playing a board game that will inevitably facilitate discussion. Children can propose changes to family rules. Stories can be told about how parents handled a problem when they were children that one of the young members of the family is now experiencing. However, family meetings should also be used as a time to discuss a child's problems at school or a parent’s view of a child’s behavior. Couples should also have separate time to spend together. An "adult meeting", which is another name for a "date", for Mom and Dad is also an important meeting that will promote a strong marital relationship.

These are just a few suggestions about how to improve family relationships. Once again, they focus on positive behavior and the expression of feelings. Just remember: my mother was right. Honey is much tastier than vinegar!

Copyright ? 1999 Susan C. Rempel, Ph.D.