{Jokes} -- Money

[ElansarGelmir]

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an
unhappy husband finally confronted her.

"Admit it, Linda," he said, "The only reason you married me
is because my grandfather left me $10 million."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left
it to you."

[ElansarGelmir]

2 robbers decided to rob the world's largest bank one day. One night, they succeeded breaking into the bank, and they went to the safes to retrieve their price money....

However, when they open the first safe, they were shock to find nothing in the safe except for a bowl of cloudy white water. They open the second safe, and the other safe, and all the safes, and were disappointed to find nothing but the same bowl of water. Furious, they decided that since they did not gain anything from their robbery, they would drink up all the water. Then they left the bank with a funny feeling in their stomachs.



The next day, the news were all over. The headline of the local newspaper wrote: WORLD'S LARGEST SPERM BANK WAS ROBBED!!!

[ElansarGelmir]

Johnny, If you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
I would have five dollars...
You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny...
You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...

[ElansarGelmir]

Charity
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,"First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"... And since I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"

[ElansarGelmir]

An old lady went into a bank with a million dollar cash to be cashed in and demanded to meet the bank manager. The bank manager took the old woman into his office and was amazed with the amount of money that she had. He asked her, "How did you make so much money?"
The old woman said, "Oh, I make bets. That's how I earn them. I can even bet with you for $50 000 that your balls are square."
The bank manager didn't believe her and said, "How would you know my balls are square? I know my balls more than you know." The old woman kept insisting that his balls are square, but the bank manager think that it would be a good way to make money, so accepted the bet. But the old lady told him, "I need my lawyer here with me to make sure that the bet is fair and square. Do you mind if we come again tomorrow and check your balls?"
The bank manager agreed and the old woman went back.

That night, the manager couldn't sleep, and he kept checking his balls to make sure that they are still in shape. The next morning, the old woman came with her lawyer. The old woman asked the bank manager, "Are you ready?" The bank manager nodded his head, and started to strip his pants off. The old woman squatted over, and said, "Hmm... They look round. But since my bet cost me $50 000, I have to make sure that it is indeed not square. Do you mind if i hold them?" Blushing, the manager slowly nodded.

While the old woman was touching the manager's ball, her lawyer was jumping and punching on the wall. Puzzled by his unusual behavior, the manager asked the woman about his attitude. The old woman said, "Oh, i bet with him for $10 million that I will have the manager of this bank's balls in my hands today.

[ElansarGelmir]

Steven Spielberg had come out with another brilliant idea for his latest movie which took place during the American War of Independence. "This time," he said to his asst. director, "We will have to make it real. I want 50 million of soldiers on one side, and 50 millions soldiers on the other. This is going to be one of the bloodiest shooting ever!!!" His asst. Director was worried, " How are we supposed to get so much money to hire so many crew?"

Spielberg replied, " This would be the interesting part. We use real bullets!!!"

[yekban81]

The lawyer and the dying man

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and clergyman - at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.

The other men looked down in embarrassment and the lawyer continued, "Indeed, only I honored the deathbed wishes of our great friend. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."



Language Barrier

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"



Truth Hurts

Two classmates are talking. “I’ve found an easy way of making money,” says one.
“Really? What’s that?”
“It’s simple. You go to your Dad and say, ‘Dad, I know the truth’.
He’ll give you money right there.”
The boy tells his father, “Dad, I know the truth.”
“Oh no!” says the father. “Please don’t tell your mother anything! Here’s $10.”
The boy is beside himself and decides to do the same to his mother:
“Mom, I know the truth.”
“Oh no, son!” she says. “Don’t tell you dad anything! Here’s $20.”
The boy is ecstatic and thinks, “I’ll do this to everyone.”
Just then milkman passes him and the boy yells out, “I know the truth!”
Astonished, the milkman says, “Really? Well, son, come and give your father a hug!”