{Jokes} New jokes for April

[PeiWen]

Kiddie Funnies!
-----------------------
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North
America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered
America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
8WILLY: Me!


End of world..
---------------------------------------------
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock
which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the
rock was the following inscription:

"If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"

Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but
Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said
to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!
In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure
enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story?
Better Nate than lever!

[ElansarGelmir]

End of world..
---------------------------------------------
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock
which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the
rock was the following inscription:

"If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"

Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but
Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said
to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!
In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure
enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story?
Better Nate than lever!

Haha, L A M E joke. I like it :wink:

[ElansarGelmir]

Some lame chemistry jokes that I remember:

What do you do to a dead chemist?
BARIUM

Why do polar bears like water?
Coz they are POLAR

Why does our world exist in such a large scale of diversity?
Because we have ALKYNES of people

Why do most chemists managed to handle all the problems in the world?
Coz they know the solutions

[laplace]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final
exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor
picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote
on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that
this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to
refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less
than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
wondered how he could have gotten an "A"" when he had barely
written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[laplace]

Alex had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane.
He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better.

On the way to the store a little later, Alex fell off his bike
and scraped his knee. He ran to his mother, who kissed it and
made it better.

Returning from the store, Alex ran into the town bully, who
kicked him in a very private part of his anatomy. Alex rushed
home. His mother said, "Son, you're getting more like your
father every day!"

[laplace]

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really h*rny. So
he goes to the first wh*rehouse he sees. He only has five
dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five
dollars, they kick him out, too.

By this time, he's super-h*rny, so he goes to the next one and
says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really h*rny, and
I need a bl*w job!"

The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five
dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?" he asks.

The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager
man. He takes the five dollars, and leads the h*rny man to a
bedroom.

The h*rny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a wh*re comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot
bl*w job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks
away. The h*rny guy waddles after her with his pants around
his ankles, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"

[yekban81]

Before marriage... I die for you..
After marriage...... You die, up to you.
Lagi lama married.. You die I help you!

Before marriage... You go anywhere..I follow you.
After marriage...... You go anywhere..up to you.
Lagi lama married...You go anywhere...better still !!

Before wedding - "you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding - "you get on my nerves."

Before wedding - "you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding - "you are worse than godzila."

Before wedding - Roses are red, violets are blue, Like it or not, I'm stuck
with you
After wedding - Roses are dead, I am blue, You get on my head, I will sue
you

Before wedding - Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding - You want to go, he says you wait-la

Before wedding - She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding - Don't know whether katak or biawak

Before wedding - Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill
After wedding - Furthest you go is Gasing Hill

Before wedding - He opens the car door
After wedding - He opens his mouth and snores

Before wedding - She / he was your ideal
After wedding - She / he becomes your ordeal

[ElansarGelmir]

Before wedding - Roses are red, violets are blue, Like it or not, I'm stuck
with you
After wedding - Roses are dead, I am blue, You get on my head, I will sue
you

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
and so are you.

But the roses are wilthering,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
and so is your head.

[ElansarGelmir]

Cool, smart, sexy, sweet and hot,
These are the things that you're not.

I like your face, your lips, ahh... your eyes!!!
Darn, I'm good in telling lies

Seeing you take my breath away,
Why do you have to smell this way???

[ElansarGelmir]

Christopher Robinson and his dog were stranded in a deserted island. There, they found no one and nothing except some barely edible food and a barrel with 2 holes on the surface. One day, Robinson was so horny that he started f***ing one of the holes. His dog, saw him, also f*** the hole at the bottom of the barrel. Every week, these two were f***ing the same whole for 3 whole months. THen finally, a ship came and saved the 2 poor things and took them away from the island.

Years passed and the sperms in the barrel began to harden like wax. THen one day, a group of missionary nuns came to the island and decided to rest there for a while. THey foudn the barrel, broke it, and were surprised to find 2 candle wax there. They decided to take the candle wax with them as it could be of some use.

One of the nuns decided to get naughty and use one of the wax to 'masterbed' herself. However, she found herself pregnant several weeks later and she got frightened that she secluded herself from the rest until she delivered a baby boy 9 months later. Thinking that this is God's punishment, she went to her Reverend Mother and confessed her sins. The Rev. Mother listen to her and said, "You're luckier, my child. I've got a puppy."

[yekban81]

Married Life Is Full of Excitement

1st year of marriage - The man speaks and the woman listens

2nd year of marriage - The woman speaks and the man listens

3rd year of marriage - They both speaks and the neighbors listen

[laplace]

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer
about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what
might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only scr3w the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your t!ts twice
a day, but only scr3wing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad,
too?"

[ElansarGelmir]

> > >In case you are wondering.....
> > >
> > >This is unfortunate, but true.........almost
> > >
> > >Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
> > >
> > > Answer: Princess Diana's death.
> > >
> > > Question: How come?
> > >
> > > Answer:
> > >
> > > An English princess
> > >
> > > with an Egyptian boyfriend
> > >
> > > crashes in a French tunnel,
> > >
> > > driving a German car
> > >
> > > with a Dutch engine,
> > >
> > > driven by a Belgian who was drunk
> > >
> > > on Scottish whisky,
> > > (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
> > >
> > > followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
> > >
> > > on Japanese motorcycles;
> > >
> > > treated by an American doctor,
> > >
> > > using Brazilian medicines.
> > >
> > > This is sent to you by an American,
> > >
> > > using Bill Gates'technology,
> > >
> > > and you're probably reading this on your computer,
> > >
> > > that uses Taiwanese chips,
> > >
> > > and a Korean monitor,
> > >
> > > assembled by Bangladeshi workers
> > >
> > > in a Singapore plant,
> > >
> > > transported by Indian truck drivers,
> > >
> > > hijacked by Indonesians,
> > >
> > > unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
> > >
> > > and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
> > >
> > > That, my friends, is Globalization
> > >

[ElansarGelmir]

>After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,
>there were three finalists to get the job as CIA agent : two men and a woman.
>
>For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
>door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
>instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
>find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!".
>
>The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
>agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
>go home."
>
>The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
>went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
>out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
>
>"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
>
>Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
>to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
>heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
>walls.
>
>After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
>stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow..
>"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death
>with the chair."
>
>Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

[ElansarGelmir]

One day, a farmer bought 50 female pigs so that he can breed them and he could have a farm of pigs. however, months after months, the pigs did not show signs of pregnancy. So, the farmer decided to consult a vet. The vet told him that he needs to use the 'controlled impregnant' technique in order to make his pigs bear piglets. The farmer did not know what's controlled impregnant technique, but was too arrogant to ask, so instead, he asked how will he know if the pigs are pregnant. The vet told him that if the pigs are pregnant, they will just roll themselves in the mud the whole day.

The farmer went back, loaded his pigs into his trucks, brought the pigs into the woods, and started scruwing the pigs one by one. After he made sure that every pig was scrud, he brought them back. The next day, he looked out of the window to see if the pigs are in the mud. However, he saw the pigs still walking here and there happily. So once again, he loaded the pigs into the truck and started scruwing them twice each. Feeling tired, he went back to his house and slept right away. The next morning, to his frustration, he saw the pigs were not rolling on the mud, but were walking around again. Enraged, he loaded them into the truck in a haste, brought them into the woods, and started giving them the F*** of their life. After scruwing each pig several times for good (until he was very very exhausted), he brought them back. This time, he was so tired that he just went to bed and sleep.

The next day, he was too tired to get up, so he asked his wife to check if the pigs were rolling on the mud. His wife said, "No, they weren't. But they are all already in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[ElansarGelmir]

Subject: The Stubborn Dracula
> > > >>>
> > > >>>Dracula was killed one day & up he went to
> the Scary
> > > >>>Gates of Heaven to meet God. God refused to
> let Dracula
> > > >>>in because of all the sins that he had done
> such as going
> > > >>>round sucking blood and killing.
> > > >>>
> > > >>>"I'll give you a chance to redeem your
sins",
> said God.
> > > >>>"I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a
> human form. You
> > > >>> can only be reincarnated into any other
> living things of
> > > >>> your choice.
> > > >>>
> > > >>>So, what would you like to be?"
> > > >>>
> > > >>>Still unrepentant, Dracula said, * "OK, I
> want to become a
> > > >>>LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD,
> heh..heh..heh."
> > > >>>
> > > >>>" So be it ", said God and He turned Dracula
> into a VAMPIRE
> > > >>> BAT. So back to earth he went flying around
> sucking the
> > > >>> blood of animals until one day when he got
> killed by a farmer.
> > > >>> So up he went again to meet God, feeling a
> little bit sheepish.
> > > >>>
> > > >>>"I'll give you another chance ", said God. "
> I'll send you back
> > > >>> again BUT not as a human or a bat. What
will
> it be this time?"
> > > >>>
> > > >>>Still adamant, Dracula said, I'll still want
> to be a LIVING THING
> > > >>>WITH WINGS AND SUCKS BLOOD !" God thought
for
> a while and then
> > > >>>said, "OK, if that's what you want", and
> turned Dracula into a
> > > >>>MOSQUITO.
> > > >>>
> > > >>>So back to the earth again he went, flying
> around & sucking blood
> > > >>>until one day. SPLAT ! He was squashed by
his
> victim.
> > > >>>
> > > >>>So up he went again to meet God, feeling
> stupid. "I'll give you
> > > >>>one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT,
this
> time you can't
> > > >>>become a living thing. You can only be
turned
> into a NON-LIVING
> > > >>>THING of your choice. So what will it be?"
> asked God.
> > > >>>
> > > >>>Still acting stubborn, Dracula
> said,"Okayyyy............then
> > > >>>turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS
> AND SUCKS BLOOD
> > > >>>heh..heh...heh"
> > > >>>
> > > >>>From that day on, Dracula became "WHISPER"
> ULTRA SLIM SANITARY
> > > >>>NAPKIN..........!!....... WITH WINGS

[ElansarGelmir]

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ElansarGelmir]

A lame mathematic joke, see if you guys can get it:

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

[ElansarGelmir]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

[ElansarGelmir]

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

[ElansarGelmir]

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[ElansarGelmir]

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

[ElansarGelmir]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[ElansarGelmir]

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johhny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[ElansarGelmir]

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".

[ElansarGelmir]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[ElansarGelmir]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[yekban81]

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have
24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?!
What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

_________________________________________________

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

_________________________________________________

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

_________________________________________________

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who
swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

_________________________________________________

[yekban81]

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Father : "That happens in every country, son."

[ElansarGelmir]

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Father : "That happens in every country, son."

haha, good one. How come most jokes they portray husbands are not satisfied with their wives and vice versa? Is it really true in our real life?

[yekban81]

Cos husband always get buli by wife mah. :lol:

[PeiWen]

really? Or seems like most women tend to be QC (Queen Control) after marriage, before that they are so wonderful that will never say NO to men? Haha....I wonder...

Here are my jokes today...nothing relevant to men and women though

Living 'til 100
-------------------------------------------------
When my grandmother was in her nineties, she decided to
move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to
see a doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked
her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of
complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm more tired
and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with,
"Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start
deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

My grandmother looked at him straight in the eye and
replied,
"Anyone who's 99."


Innocent idea
-------------------------------------------------
I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonalds for dinner
one evening for a 'guy night'. As we were eating our
hamburgers, Josh asked,
"Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he
was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said,
"Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our back yard,
we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."


Contacts..
~~~~~~~~~~~
<..English is a funny language..>

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her
license. He says, "Lady, it says here that
you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you
know! You're getting a ticket!"


Hilarious Headlines!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<..these are some real-life headlines
that have been found on various newspapers..>

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

[ElansarGelmir]

Some interesting facts ........

April Fool's Day at Its Best ...


Hold Up Your Credit Cards!
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.

A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.

The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.


People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.

People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.


Cleaning the Phone Lines!
One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house.


Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings.

Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.


Draining a Beer Truck
KFMB-AM, a San Diego radio station, announced that a beer truck had jack-knifed and could not be towed away until the beer had been removed from its tank.


Over 100 people showed up at the site where the accident was supposed to have occurred to help drain it.

and last but not least...


Who are the biggest "Fools" of them all?
Can you imagine working at this outfit. It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

3 have been arrested for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit


14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Yes, you guessed it! It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[ElansarGelmir]

Top ten ways to annoy your waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.


10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

[ElansarGelmir]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

[ElansarGelmir]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

[ElansarGelmir]

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

[ElansarGelmir]

Some obscene jokes here:

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.

The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on." So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances."

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.

The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's really pissed."

The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me fuck squaw!! Left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph, condom go 'oomph, left nut go 'BOOM'!"

[ElansarGelmir]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

[ElansarGelmir]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[ElansarGelmir]

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

[ElansarGelmir]

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

[ElansarGelmir]

Why most professions are dirty:

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[ElansarGelmir]

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."

The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"

The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."

[ElansarGelmir]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

[ElansarGelmir]

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."

My case comes up on Friday...

[ElansarGelmir]

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[ElansarGelmir]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[ElansarGelmir]

How do you define frustration?



































Imagine your left hand was wounded, and you were walking up a steep cliff when suddenly you slipped and fall, and your right hand just nice grabbed onto the cliff, and you were left hanging on the cliff. And of all times, your balls started to itch. That is frustration...

[ElansarGelmir]

How do you define regret?

The feeling you get when you scratch your balls

[ElansarGelmir]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[ElansarGelmir]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[ElansarGelmir]

Short jokes


What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.


Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

[yekban81]

I have good news and bad news


Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

____________________________________________________

How much will this cost me?

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

____________________________________________________

An invisible man is here to see you

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.


____________________________________________________

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

_____________________________________________________


The results of the X-ray

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

____________________________________________________

Will this operation hurt me at all?

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown

[yekban81]

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

[PeiWen]

Johnny: Falling in love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<<Johnny's nasty side..>>

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of
her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class
one day, she asked,
"Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I can't concentrate," replied the boy. "I've fallen in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to
smile. "And with whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Johnny," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady,
"don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would
like a husband of my own someday; but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

___________________________________________________
(Many of you might have come across this joke)
Do you know...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David went to visit his grandfather, a fisherman,
in a rural, village area.

The first day was a Sunday and the grandfather needed
to catch some fish. The fish were quite far away from the
shore. So, early morning, David and his grandfather set off
for fishing.

It was an hours journey to reach the spot where most fishes
are found. Although David hadn't met his granfather for 2
years, he didn't know what to talk. Anyway, to bring up
some conversation, David asked his grandpa,
"Granps, do you know what a computer is?"
Grandpa: "No."
David: "I don't believe it! You lose 20% of your life if
you don't know that."
David: "Ok, do you know the internet?"
Grandpa: "Nopes."
David: "My God, you lose 50% of your life not knowing and
interacting with internet!"

At that time, the winds started blowing real hard. Now,
Grandpa asked,
"Son, do you know how to swim?"
David: "hmmm...no"
Grandpa: "Damn. You're going to lose 100% of your life
because of that!"
___________________________________________________
(A lame joke I think :? )

Two complaints..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for
a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started
asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father
are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom
salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back
to my company."


___________________________________________________

[laplace]

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the
husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home,
get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer
can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
and resumed counting on his other hand.

[laplace]

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny
furiously scrubbing his d1ck with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she
exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three
times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that
looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

[ElansarGelmir]

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
and resumed counting on his other hand.

Uhmm... what will happen if the man counts in his mind instead of using his fingers? Then the experiment will, perhaps, fail?

[ElansarGelmir]

An Asian woman married an English gentleman and they settled in England. This woman, however, can't speak English, but somehow, she and her husband can communicate with each other. Her trouble began when she wanted to go to market to buy pork leg. She does not know how to say pork leg, so she went up to the butcher, pointed at the pork, reluctantly lifted up her skirt, and pointed towards her thigh. The butcher, understand her simple request, gave her the pork leg. The woman was happy and went back home.

The next day, she wanted to buy chicken breast. Once again, she went to the chicken seller, pointed at the chicken, unbuttoned her blouse and pointed at her breast. The chicken seller, quick to understand her, gave her the chicken breast and she went back happily.

However, the third day, she needed to buy sausages. She pondered and pondered and pondered, and finally, she had no choice but to bring her husband to the market. Why???




answer: Her husband is an English and he definitely knows how to speak English ... duh! :roll: :lol: :D :wink: :P

[ElansarGelmir]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[ElansarGelmir]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

[ElansarGelmir]

This may be a little obscene:

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull stroke my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and stroke my penis 50 times."

[ElansarGelmir]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

[ElansarGelmir]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

[ElansarGelmir]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[ElansarGelmir]

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick." She replied calmly.

"Oh shit, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."

[ElansarGelmir]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[ElansarGelmir]

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there.

[ElansarGelmir]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[ElansarGelmir]

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't...

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[ElansarGelmir]

The bear and the rabbit

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

[PeiWen]

Fill it up for you!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wife chewed out her husband at the company
picnic awhile back.

"Doesn't it embarrass you that people
have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied.
"I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
__________________________________________________

Everything wrong...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband stepped on one of those
penny scales that tell you your fortune
and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife,
showing her a small, white card. "It says
I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a
great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has
your weight wrong, too."
_________________________________________________

Artist's Arts...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An artist asked the gallery owner if there
had been any recent interest in his paintings
which happened to be on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the
gallery owner replied. " The good news is
that a gentleman inquired about your work
and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death."

"What did you say?" questioned the artist.

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15
of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor...."

[PeiWen]

Do not DISTURB ME!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist
(one who doesn't believe in GOD). While the religious one
prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice
at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above,,,,,,,,,

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
___________________________________________________

[yekban81]

Am I his True Father?

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[yekban81]

Marriage Humour

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.


1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she
respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved
her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and
now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife
wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just
watch him drive a
car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands
are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we
will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't
keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having
trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to
speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did,
but today is the last day."

WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after
her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When
she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She
is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

[ElansarGelmir]

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
----------------------------------------------------

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you
to
keep yours.
----------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
----------------------------------------------------
HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER : Of course not.
HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN : I hope you didn't either.
----------------------------------------------------

GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
----------------------------------------------------

MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR : Because of absence.
MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR : No, but the kid who sits next to me was.----------------------------------------------------

SILVIA : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA : Your name on this report card.
----------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
----------------------------------------------------

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX : The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over
defense
before detail.
----------------------------------------------------

MOTHER : Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA : A new bike.
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for
another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER: (sadly)You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT: (sadly)You don't know my father

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the
other,
what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

----------------------------------------------------

BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY : No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY : And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY : Thank goodness!

[ElansarGelmir]

Check this out:

Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[ElansarGelmir]

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[ElansarGelmir]

Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[ElansarGelmir]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.

[ElansarGelmir]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[ElansarGelmir]

A little dirty one here. Hope you guys don't mind:

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

[ElansarGelmir]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[ElansarGelmir]

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

[ElansarGelmir]

Reasons why chocolate is better than sex:

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[ElansarGelmir]

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

[ElansarGelmir]

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

[ElansarGelmir]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

[ElansarGelmir]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[ElansarGelmir]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[ElansarGelmir]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[ElansarGelmir]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[ElansarGelmir]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[ElansarGelmir]

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, shewants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: "Always keep your condoms in your car..."

[ElansarGelmir]

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

[ElansarGelmir]

Little Johnny and Jenny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

[ElansarGelmir]

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying

"If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign

"If I catch you, you're mine."