5 Minutes Management Course

[Al-Bert]

A very interesting article i found on web:

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sal es rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was pr oudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[youngyew]

Interesting analogy.

But Lesson 2 is such a blasphemy.

[nicky_chin]

The best of all is lesson 4:)

[Al-Bert]

Another Lesson:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.



Moral of the story:
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A management article to share:


Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

[bp_ffei]

I like the monkey story, coz it's really true in many companies! Many people just follow the way they were told to do in the past without understanding why or under what circumstance they did so.

[Al-Bert]

Administratrium, The New Element

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[vseehua]

Administratrium, The New Element

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Haha...happens to my company as well, where ordering a component from another division led to weeks of delay and eventually ended with nothing showing up. In the end we have to revise the circuit and do things dangerously (playing a variable resistor without another resistor in front. The small resistor at the front is supposed to limit the current flow should the variable resistor is accidentally set to 0)

[Al-Bert]

There?s a story. Let?s see if it could clear your doubts about stock market.

Assume there?s a market where two people are selling cakes, and only these two people, so let?s call them as A and B.

Assume that their cake?s price is not under supervision of price bureau.
Assume that the capital of selling each cake is $1(including the value of their labor)
Assume that A has equal number of cakes as B.

--Economic model is usually like that, it needs lots assumptions.

Let?s assume again that their business is terrible, not even one person buys cake from them. And therefore they have been doing nothing for a very long time boringly.

A says: It?s boring!
B says again: So boring!
You people who are watching this story say: that?s real boring!

During this time, market is being perceived as inactive!

In order to relieve such boredom, A asks B for a game. B agrees.

Thus, the story began. . . . . .

A spends $1 to buy a cake from B, B also spends $1 to buy a cake from A. (cash payment)
Again, A spends $2 to buy a cake from B, B also spends $2 to buy a cake from A. (cash payment)
Again, A spends $3 to buy a cake from B, B also spends $3 to buy a cake from A. (cash payment)
. . . . . .

Hence in the eyes of the entire market (including you who are looking at the story), the cake?s price is soaring. The price of cake has risen to $60 each shortly. But as long as the amount of cake held by both A and B is the same, then no one is making money and no one is losing money as well. Nevertheless after their asset revaluation, their cake?s value has been ?appreciated?! Thus now, A and B are possessing many more times "wealth" than last time, since the "market value" of their properties has been raised for so much.

There comes a passer-by C. An hour before this, he knew that it was just $1 for each cake and he gets shocked when he realized that the price of cake has rose to $60 each.

An another an hour later, when passer-by C found out that the cake is already $100 each, he surprised even more.

Again another one hour later, passer-by C has only to realize that the cake has reached the price of $120 each. Without further hesitation, he buys one in prompt because he is an investor and also a speculator, and he is convinced that there?ll be a further hike for cake?s price, there would be still an increment space for its price and some people have even set the ?target price? at a point which is higher than $200(in the stock market, C is called as shareholder while those who are giving target price are called analysts).

Under A and B?s "money making" demonstration effect, or even C?s money-making demonstration effect, there are getting more and more people who are buying for cake and more and more people who are involved in the trading ( selling & buying ) of cake. The price of cake keeps hiking. Everybody is very happy because very strangely, no one loses money.

At this time, you can tell, whoever amongst A and B who have lesser cakes (lesser assets) than they used to have it with them, he makes the real profit. For those who take part in this trading of cake, whoever does not have cake with him, he earned real money. And yet people feel regret after selling the cake, because the price is still skyrocketing?

So who experiences trade deficit then? ?

The answer is: Nobody loses money, because many who purchased the cake with high price is holding something which is widely perceived as the high quality assets - CAKES! Apparently cake is better than cash! How pity the interest could actually be gained by depositing cash into bank? How could it be compared to the price-soaring cake? Moreover, people even come into conclusion that the current market?s cake supply could not satisfy the public demand, start to wonder whether they could order for the buying of future cake. ?Warrant? appears after this.

There comes a question: Would you never lose money for buying cake? Apparently yes. But, the world is weird, in all the sudden; an anonymous could jump into market and claims: There must be a moment where people lose money! So when will it happen?

Assumption 1: Intervention of trade and consumer department in this market. They fix the price for cake to be $1 each.(Regulatory)
Assumption 2: Existence of many other new stalls which make and sell cake in the market, and they sell it with $1 each. (Identical themes)
Assumption 3: Existence of other sellable goods in market where such game could be carried out. (Issue)
Assumption 4: Everybody realizes that it?s just a cake! (Value discovery)
Assumption 5: Nobody is willing to play such selling and buying game again! (Truth revealed)

If there comes day where any one of these assumptions appears in the market, then there?s the time where people with cake with them experience loss! Who made profit? People who hold the least assets ? cake in their hands.

The story of selling cake is simple, everybody thinks that those who buy the cake with high price are fools, but let?s look again into stock market! Isn?t it the same with the so called ?asset revaluation? and ?asset adding? in the market? It actually carries the exactly the same principle like this cake trading game. Those who have least possession of stock are those who earned profit from the trading of stock.

Hence, on behalf as an investor, you must be rational in treating revaluation of assets and asset injection in the stock market. Stay alert all the time and never take your money for granted!

Because you might as well be the next passer-by who owns the highly overpriced cake!

[Caprio]

Nice readings here, hope that there will be more to come.

[seeweijie]

wah.. Where you get all the story? You create it yourself?
It's interesting and valuable..
Nice reading here..

[wilson]

wah.. Where you get all the story? You create it yourself?
It's interesting and valuable..
Nice reading here..


I suppose they got it from the Internet, as I came across the same jokes while surfing the net. *Who knows, maybe they are the creators of the jokes and put them in the net? lol*

[Al-Bert]

New lesson:

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an auto rickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.

Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public.

Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just asked on opinion or preconceived notions. Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.

PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes. Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one. He fails again.

Laloo is extremely unhappy. Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history. Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.

PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947" and passed. Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000. Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.



Moral of the story : IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE !!!



Another story:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.

In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - "Don't EVER forget it."