{Jokes} - New jokes for May

[ElansarGelmir]

Clinton administration medical dictionary
Acute: Opposite of an ugly

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do to dead patients

Benign: What you are after you're eight.

Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U

Cat scan: Searching for a kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Concussion: A prisoner's sofa

Congenital: To be friendly

D & C: Where the White House is

Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

GI series: A soldier ball game

Hangnail: A coat hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Jaundice: To include in a group

Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives

Labor pain: Getting hurt at work

Leper: A wild cat

Malaria: Shopping place

Medical staff: A doctor's cane

Morbid: A higher bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: Was aware of

Outpatient: A person who fainted

Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.

Rectum: It almost killed him

Rheumatic: Amorous

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: A Roman emperor

Serology: Study of English Knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tumor: More than one

Urine: Opposite of you're out

Varicose: Nearby

Vein: Conceited

[ElansarGelmir]

A little dirty here:

Voodoo d!ck
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her scr3wing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the d!ldos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating d!ldos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ?" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo d!ck,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo d!ck?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking d!ldo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f*cking deal. It looks like every other d!ldo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo d!ck, the door."

The voodoo d!ck rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started scr3wing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo d!ck, get back in your box!"

The voodoo d!ck stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special d!ldo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo d!ck, my p*ssy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo d!ck. She got it out, and said "Voodoo d!ck, my p*ssy!" The voodoo d!ck shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the d!ldo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo d!ck was stuck in her p*ssy, and wouldn't stop scr3wing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo d!ck, my a$$!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Genie
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

[ElansarGelmir]

Pumping Dad Up
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Fix It
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[ElansarGelmir]

Fruit-Picking
Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.

The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Professional Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Train Seats
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

[ElansarGelmir]

Playing In the Closet
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Generous Offers
John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"

[ElansarGelmir]

Tragedy
President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

[ElansarGelmir]

Train Departure
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"


The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom, and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

[ElansarGelmir]

Signs
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

[ElansarGelmir]

Neighborhood Report
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[ElansarGelmir]

The Irate Customer
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[ElansarGelmir]

Dam Fish
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

[ElansarGelmir]

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped
you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next
to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, a blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to
show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure
enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened
the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do
this to a fellow blonde?"

[pandaboy]

ElansirGelmir...how come u're the only one posting? Here...I'd like to share too...

CLEVER MUM

Mrs. Ferrara went to visit her son Anthony for
dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help
but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between
the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you,
Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?"

"Well, I can't imagine that she would do such a thing,
but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

-----------------
Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my
house, and I'm not saying that you did not take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

----------------------

Several days later, Anthony received a response email
from his Momma which read:

----------------------

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Vikki, and I'm
not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

----------------------

Lesson - Don't lie to your Mother!

[ElansarGelmir]

Haha, thanks for helping to contribute jokes here, pandaboy. However, if you've read the thread New Jokes For April, you'll find one joke which is similar to yours there. Hehe... Anyway, do keep bringing in new jokes. I'm booting on ya! :D

[pandaboy]

Already posted bfore? Oops..sorry....
No time to go through all the threads in Recom...
I will go on full throtle after my finals...wait for me...haha
Wont be posting so much at the time being....

[USSDefiantNX74205]

Here's an old one I just remembered. Might be a little sexist, but hope ya all don't mind...


Equation to prove that girls are evil:

Girlfriends require time and money, so
Girls = time X money

But time is money, so
time = money,

Hence
Girls = money X money = money?

But money is the root of all evil, so
money = √evil

Therefore,
Girls = (√evil)?
Girls = evil

[ElansarGelmir]

Hmm... There's another formula to prove that men are evil^2

Anway, do you know how to prove that open=close?

As we know,
open =/= close
however,
half open = half close
1/2 open = 1/2 close
Divide the equation by 1/2;
Thus, open = close

[ElansarGelmir]

Similarly,
Prove that STUDY = FAIL

Study = No fail ---- (1)
No study = fail ---- (2)
(1) + (2)
Study + no study = fail + no fail
study (no + 1) = fail (no + 1)
there fore, Study = fail!

So people, dun study! :wink:

[ElansarGelmir]

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and
one of them said to
> >the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really
stupid. If you
> >don't believe me I'll show you." He called his
driver Ah Beng over
and
> >said, "Ah Beng, here is a $10 note, go to the car
showroom and buy me
> >a Mercedes". To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir!
Right away, Sir!"
and
> >rushed off to the Showroom. The rich man then
turned to his friend
and
> >said, "See, I told you he was stupid."
> >
> >The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want
to see stupid, I
> >will show you stupid." And he called his driver,
Ali. "Ali, go home
> >now and check to see if I'm at home." To which Ali
said, "Yes Sir!
> >Right away,Sir!" and ran home. "See what I told
you? He doesn't even
> >have enough brains to know that I cannot be at
home
if I am here."
> >
> >Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng
said to Ali, "Eh,
> >you know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me
$10
and asked me to
go
> >to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....
Doesn't he know that
> >today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
> >
> >Ali replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My
boss lagi worse, he
> >asked me to go home to check if he is at home...
He
got handphone
> >what,he can just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"

[ElansarGelmir]

CAR
> >
> >Beng and Seng excited and locked the car in a
hurry, forgetting to
> >remove the key which was in the ignition.
Realizing
the mistake, Beng
> >asked, 'Why don't we get a coat hanger to open
it.'
'No, that won't
> >work' answered Seng. 'People will think we're
trying to break in.'
> >
> >Then Beng suggested, 'What if we use a pocket
knife
to cut around the
> >rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the
lock?' 'No,' said
> >Seng. 'People will think we're too dumb not to use
a coat hanger.'
> >
> >The kan cheong Beng shouted, 'we'd better think of
something fast.
> >It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!'

[ElansarGelmir]

PIZZA
> >
> >Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if
she should cut it
> >in six or twelve pieces. Six, please. I could
never
eat twelve
pieces.
> >
>

>******************************************************
> >DEAD BIRD
> >
> >"Oh, look at the dead bird."
> >Ah Beng looked skyward and said "Where, Where
got?"

[ElansarGelmir]

NOT MY BROTHER!
> >
> >A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and
falls
into a deep coma.
> >Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and
sees
that she is no
> >longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
about her baby. The
> >doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a
girl. The babies
> >are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The
woman thinks to
> >herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst,
> >she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"
> >"Denise," the doctor says.
> >The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad
name!
> >Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like
Denise!"
Then she asks
> >the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
> >The doctor replies, DeNephew.

[DecentMerson]

got this from the internet from John Doe


<*editA-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<*editA> you cant buy alcoholics
<*editA> but if youwink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


<*edit> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<*edit> Let's see the results...

<*edit> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<*edit> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<*edit> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<*edit> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<*edit> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<*edit> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<*edit> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<*edit> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<*edit> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<*edit> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<*edit> Ok
<*edit> I have found, definitive proof
<*edit> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<*edit> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<*edit> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<*edit> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<*edit> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

[DecentMerson]

quoted from John doe....:

This is tooooo goooood!!!!!!



A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband read an article to his wife about how
Many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
We have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me.

"So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....

"HEBREWS"

[ElansarGelmir]

got this from the internet from John Doe


<*editA-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<*editA> you cant buy alcoholics
<*editA> but if youwink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


<*edit> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<*edit> Let's see the results...

<*edit> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<*edit> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<*edit> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<*edit> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<*edit> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<*edit> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<*edit> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<*edit> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<*edit> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<*edit> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<*edit> Ok
<*edit> I have found, definitive proof
<*edit> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<*edit> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<*edit> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<*edit> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<*edit> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

Huh?

[ElansarGelmir]

Defence Attorney: What is your age?
> Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
>
> Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
> you?
> Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
> porch
> on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the
> porch and sat down beside me.
>
> Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
> Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
> Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
>
>
> Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
> Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defence Attorney: Why not?
> Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
> passed away some 30 years ago.
>
> Defence Attorney: What happened next?
> Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
> Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defence Attorney: Why not?
> Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
> and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
>
> Defence Attorney: What happened next?
> Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my
> old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!"
>
> Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
> Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And
> that's when I shot the son of a bitch.

[ElansarGelmir]

Good Girls vs Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."

[DecentMerson]

got this from the internet from John Doe


<*editA-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<*editA> you cant buy alcoholics
<*editA> but if youwink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


<*edit> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<*edit> Let's see the results...

<*edit> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<*edit> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<*edit> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<*edit> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<*edit> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<*edit> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<*edit> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<*edit> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<*edit> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<*edit> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<*edit> Ok
<*edit> I have found, definitive proof
<*edit> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<*edit> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<*edit> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<*edit> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<*edit> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

Huh?

WANG = P_N_S

[ElansarGelmir]

Oh, oh... Now i get it. LOL!!! Nice one! :wink:

[DecentMerson]

this is a nice one.. hope that u haven't come across this yet...

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."


Here it is:


You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"


That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and
pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"


That's Advertising.


You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and get his telephone number. The next day you call
and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"


That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up
and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour
him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten
his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"


That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to
you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"


That's Brand Recognition.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him
into going home with your friend.


That's a Sales Rep.


Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.


That's Tech Support.


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there
could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center
and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!".


That's Junk Mail.

[ElansarGelmir]

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there
could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center
and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!".


That's Junk Mail.

I thought it's SPAM?

At least the 2 mails with the same version i've deleted last 2 years said it's SPAM. :wink:

But it's still funny...

[yekban81]

Stress Reliever # 1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren' t married yet.
___________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done t he right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7

"How was your blind date?" a college st udent asked
her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

[yekban81]

SYSTEM UPGRADE

Dear Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I?ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?



Signed,

DESPERATE


*************************************************************************************

Reply:


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

TECHNICAL SUPPORT

[ElansarGelmir]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later,
Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend out of slumber. "Watson, look up
there and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is a Leo. Horologically, I deduce the time is approximately
a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and
that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, I suspect we have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does that tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you arse. Some bastard has
stolen our tent!" ^_^