New Jokes for June

[ElansarGelmir]

CHINESE BELIEVED IN THE SIGNIFICANCE OF ONE'S NAME....

Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of
one's name. They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming
one's children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly
influences one's destiny and fate. Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics
and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born. The other
cultures, however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as
superstition. Whether you believe it or not, however, the other
cultures are not spared of this correlation.

For example, the Chinese surname LEE (Li) is associated with power and
success such as Lee Kuan Yew, Lee Teng Hui (Taiwanese president), Li
Peng China's ex-PM), Li Ka Shing (HK tycoon) and LEE Iacocca - once
Chrysler's chief, Lee Van Cliff, the actor.

One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose first name IACOCCA stands for:
I
Am
Chairman
Of
Chrysler
Corporation
America

coincidence?..........
Look at the following familiar examples:

1.Mahathir (Malaysia's PM):
My
Assets
Halved
After
The
Hit
In
Ringgit !

2. Suharto (Ex-president of Indonesia):
Should
U
Have
Additional
Rupiahs,
Throw
Out!

3. Bush (American President):
Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein !

5. However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming Osama!
Oh
Shit,
American
Missiles
Again!

With all these, you better believe in the 5000 year old Chinese culture.
Make sure you choose a good name for your children.

[ElansarGelmir]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods she

went into the woods for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to
her
"If you release me from this trap I will grant you three wishes." The
woman freed the frog.

The frog said "Thank you but I failed to mention that there was a
condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for your husband will get 10
times more or better!" The woman said, "That will be ok."

For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You realise that this will make your husband the
most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be ok because I will be the most beautiful

woman in the world and he will only have eyes for me." So KAZAM - she's
the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish she wanted to be the richest woman in the world and
the frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman replied, "That will be ok because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine." So KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then enquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

[ElansarGelmir]

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The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye,
and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said,
"Well son... we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been
given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more
beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You
just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[ElansarGelmir]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade
his potato garden, but it was very hardwork. His only
son, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament.


Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like Iwon't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be digging up garden plot. If you
were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Son


At 4am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
police showed up and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.

Love Son